Anger, again

(Yes, I’m seeing my
“Pattern of Grief” here!
but despite the titles of these posts,
I’m doing pretty good right now)

I read many blogs
full of unimaginable sadness…

you may wonder why,
but it makes me feel less alone.

It makes me feel something for others,
instead of staying preoccupied with myself.
I grieve with them, I remember with them,
I wish the best for them.

One particularly sad blog
(well, they’re all sad)
is about a family whose little girl,
and only child,
died a few months ago…

she was only 17 months old.

Both the mom and the dad
have a blog
and are incredibly honest and open
in their feelings…

they’ve attracted quite a following
(hundreds of comments on each post)…

and I guess when that happens,
you also attract the worst of society.


After a particularly heartwrenching post,
where the mother described her feelings of
wanting to hide and her
unspeakable, understandable, wish that yes,
she would wish this upon
someone else, as long as it meant
she got her daughter back,
an anonymous commenter posted
You really need some therapy. You are not the only one to lose a child or a loved one. Be thankful that she was not older….think about how much harder it would be. I have no desire to read your blog anymore. Seriously stupid.

Of course,
this commenter was attacked
by other commenters,
which although understandable,
was a little sad in my opinion…
a beautiful, honest blog
about a loving mother
and a beloved daughter
and the commenters turned it into

This made me angry.

But it made me even angrier
to read another comment about
how you can’t compare stillbirth
(or miscarriage, as she liked to call it)
to the death of a real live child.

Well, duh…you can’t compare
any death in my opinion.

You can share feelings,
and compare circumstances,
but you can’t compare the pain,
because no one knows
what is in another’s heart.

And it just makes me so angry
to realize that there are people
who may not consider
to be real,
or my pain to be valid,
because I didn’t “know her.”

She wasn’t “real.”

And please don’t tell me that
the pain of losing someone is
equivalent to how long you have known
and loved them.

They don’t do studies on that type of thing,
and they don’t need to.

Love is love,
and loss is loss,
and it is different for everyone.

And we all lose the future,
experiences we hoped to share,
memories we hoped to make.
Some people just have more memories
to look back upon.

And it’s impossible,
and pointless,
to say what’s worse.

Does it hurt less if the baby is
1 day old vs. 1 year old?

Does it hurt less if the child is
5 years old vs. 15 years old?

30 years old vs. 60 years old?

I really don’t know,
and again, I don’t think it matters,
not to anyone who is grieving.

No matter how you look at it,
it’s just plain wrong
for a parent to bury their child.

And no matter what you tell a parent,
to make them “feel better”,
it won’t work.

(It can help and comfort of course,
but I mean in the sense that
no one can bring back
the dead)

This is just something that,
I think,
we have to live with.

In our own way,
in our own time.

Not in anybody else’s way,
in anybody else’s time.

I know a lot of people struggle with this,
even within their own family.

One thing I am extremely grateful for
is that, almost without exception,
all of my family and friends
have accepted
Malou Amelia
as a permanent part of my life,
and love her,
and allow me to talk about her,
and grieve for her.

Thank you for that.

And this week a special thank you as well
to my mom’s friend
who wrote me the loveliest card
explaining how she and her “Little Sis” Bella
donated a teddy bear
to the local hospital
for her birthday.

Some people just get it.
Darby, I haven’t met you (yet),
but I know you get it,
and it means more than you know.

Published in: on July 15, 2009 at 09:03  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oh my Stephanie- you are so caring, understanding, and sensitive (andI think you have Malou to thank for a lot of this) With your writing you just get right to the brutal honesty of what the death of a child can be to a parent. I know your blog must be helping others, just as theirs are sometimes helping you. But also, I think that you are helping others who have NOT lost a loved one,to know exactly how it feels.

    I love you and can’t wait to see you in TWO weeks! – hopefully.

  2. Stephanie I read that blog, too. And I too was floored by the comments on that particular post. That’s what makes having a blog so scary – putting it all out there and opening ourselves up to such hatred and nastiness. Thankfully I’ve avoided most of that on mine.
    Love is love. You are so right.
    I too just wish I’d had more time to make more memories. And I wish, oh how I wish, I’d seen her alive. Seen her open her eyes, heard her cry – not just held her perfect 8 pound form cold, still and dead.
    Thinking of Malou Amelia. She’s very real to me, as is your never-ending pain.

  3. It’s very easy for people to “judge” How wrong that is! I think you have to be thankful it is strangers to you who “stick their bib in” with venom, anger and harshness, certainly not your friends and family and that is what really counts. Of course it hurts when unthoughtful things are said or happen, I guess it is sort of like being in the Royal Family or famous Hollywood star with all the “bad” pulicity – never the good. You can never KNOW how things feel unless you have been in that situation yourself. Just remember, I love you, Tom and Malou and Malou WAS real. Now she is our little Angel and always will be.

  4. This type of behavior (by the commenter and others I’ve heard about and met) is just despicable. I am so sorry.
    Our children are precious.


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