Moving forward

I know logically
that I can never get
Malou
back.

Since that is the one thing
I want most in this
world
I have been stuck.

Because in my heart
I keep searching for ways
to bring her back.

But lately
it has started to dawn on me
that I can’t stay stuck
in this place forever,
because there is absolute no point in it.

None at all.

I can stay stuck,
wishing for something that will
never happen.

Living my life
like it is over,
just dreaming about the past
and the 7 months
that I had with
Malou.

Or I can move forward
trying to create a new life
for myself,
a life I enjoy,
that has passion and purpose.

Try to accept that
maybe, just maybe,
the best part of my life
isn’t over.

I don’t want it to be,
and I know I am the only person
who can determine that.

At least in this instance
I do have control.

But what do I do with it?

Not much.

That’s going to change.
I’m not sure how, exactly,
but I’m sure that’s what I need to do.

Move forward,
not move on,
but move forward.

Dear Malou, I know you know if I move forward, it will be with you in my heart. Always and forever. And I couldn’t really understand it before, but I am starting to understand what people mean when they say that is what you would want. Just as all I want is for you to be happy and safe, I imagine you must want the same for me. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you, always, my dear daughter.

***

For some reason,
I feel the need to add that
I wrote this post
on April 30th,
and that this sudden conviction
isn’t coming from the fact
that I am pregnant now.
I don’t know why
that feels important for me
to say,
but it does.

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Published in: on June 17, 2009 at 12:00  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I can feel you say this with love, Steph. It is true and you are making small steps in the right direction. It will never be easy and as “they” say: “Everything happens for a reason” We do not know or understand that reason but we do have to (somehow) “Trust in the Lord” and be the person we come out the other side of tragedies as. Malou will always be your first born, your first daughter and your first maternal love and I know you are grateful for having that even though it was not completed and was for a very short time. You know that she was real and your love was /is real, now you are ready to go cautiously forward and I pray for you that all is and will be perfect this time.
    Hugs

  2. That is such a beautiful post. You are right and it is good to hear you share these thoughts. Thank you

  3. You have just made my day. I am so happy to hear these words from you!! I love you and wish you happiness and a healthy pregnancy!!!! xoxo


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