1 day…

I just realized
American Birthday,
considering she was born at 2.06 am on the 28th
which was 5.06 pm on the 27th west coast time
(hmmm…I was born at 5.08 pm – interesting!).

At this time last year,
mom had arrived and
I was a little over 24 hours
into my induction
and had just asked for an epidural.

It allowed me to sleep
for a few hours
and finally dilate fully.

I woke up around 1:00 a.m.
in pain
and when the midwife
said I was ready to push,
I started to cry.

I wasn’t ready.
I didn’t want to let my girl go.
I was afraid of what was to come…
of what she would look like.

I didn’t need to be.
She was beautiful.

Yes, her skin was a slightly
different color than a breathing child,
and yes, she was a skinny little thing,
and yes, her fragile skin
had peeled a little…

but, my God, she is just
breathtaking to me.

All 1451 grams of her

Malou being weighed

I have many more photos
I would like to share,
but I know they are a little hard
for many people to see.

But whether it’s a year from now,
or 5 years,
or 50 years,
please know that I would always
be happy to show you pictures
of our brief time with

All you have to do is ask.

It gives me joy to share my daughter.

I love you so much, baby girl. I am with you tonight, remembering every moment I had with you, wishing I could go back in time for just one more moment, one more kiss, one more glimpse of you. I miss you, Malou. My heart just feels empty without you.

Published in: on May 27, 2009 at 22:02  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You can share them with me. I’ll always look. She is beautiful, and I know exactly how you felt when they told you it was time to push. Finally that moment we’d waited for all those months, but we had to let them go. How can life possibly be so cruel?
    We were pregnant at the same time. I wish we both had our July/Aug 08 babies in our arms now.

  2. Hi my sweet girl. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and Malou right at this very minute that she was born. I know that you too, are thinking of her at this very moment and that makes me feel close to you. I do remember that you were a little afraid to see her and also were reluctant to let her leave your body and come into the world. But you were a brave mama and did everything perfectly. And you did not hesitate for one second after she was born to ask to see her. All your fears vanished and love took over. I am so proud of you and what you have created this past year in Malou’s memory. Stay strong and remember the happiness she has given you.

    Love you…

  3. i was just reading your post and would absolutly love to see pictures of Malou!
    my baby would have turned one the day before mothers day. if things would have gone good. but she died at my 6 1/2 months of being pregnant. i always want to show people my scrapebook of my autumn. like go to lunch with a new person over and over and just show her off proudly,, of course to people who are sensitve to me. i saw the bucket swings at tha park today,, and thought ohh how i want to push my autumn in the swing,, not too hard though, just enough to make her giggle. but she is giggeling,, just its in heaven though.
    you take care tonight, and thanks again for sharing your special family with me. i look forward to reading your blog. please tell Malou happy birthday from my corner of the world!!

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