2 days…

A year ago today
my world shattered.

I can hear the scream
in my head,
the absolute total
disbelief
at seeing
Malou’s
perfect little body
curled up motionless
inside me
on the ultrasound screen.

If I think about it too much,
I start to cry.

So I am trying not to
think too much.

After all,
I’ve thought enough
this past year, and
I’ve cried more tears
than I thought
a human could produce.

So this week,
I am trying to focus
on the fact that it is
Malou’s
birthday week.

A week to celebrate.

Yes,
this week is also the anniversary
of when she died,
but that doesn’t define her.

She is so much more
than her stillbirth.

Malou
was
alive.

Just because she didn’t
breathe the air
we breathe
doesn’t make her less
real.

I think of all the other babies
in this world
who didn’t make it.

Not too long ago,
they were hidden away,
never to be talked about,
and a mother’s heartbreak
was meant to be ignored,
stifled, or distracted.

But a mother remembers.

She knows.

My baby,
all the lost babies
of this world:

They are real.

They exist.

They are loved.

When will the world really acknowledge that?
When will the world realize
that each and every one of the
4,500,000 babies
who are stillborn
each year matter?

I know you,
dear readers,
know this.

But I just feel so
powerless sometimes.

Did you know that
over half of all stillbirths
are unexplained?

Something is going on here.

I wish we could figure out what.

The Preventing Stillbirth and SUID Act of 2008
that I mention in my Resources page
was introduced to Congress
but never became law.

Don’t they care?

I bet if it happened to them,
they’d care.
Sadly,
it just may happen to them.

No one is immune.

I thought our loss
would “cover” our family and friends…
not the case.

Tonight
we are having another couple friend
over for dinner.

The husband came to
Malou’s
funeral,
but the wife could not.
She was 5 months pregnant
with their first child,
a daughter,
and she was just too upset
on our behalf
to come.

4 months later
Tom and I went
to their baby daughter’s
funeral.

She, too, was stillborn.

Malou and Ida, I hope you are happily playing together while your adoring parents remember you tonight.

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Published in: on May 26, 2009 at 17:42  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Steph, I just wanted to let you know that you, Tom, and Malou are in my thoughts often, especially this week.

  2. I am covering you with prayer and love today, this week and every week…

    love,
    ebe

  3. This post rings so very true to me. Our babies are so, so much more than their stillbirth. I wish the rest of the world could see that.
    Remembering Malou with you this week.

  4. Such beautiful and true words. You are a wonderful mother.
    Thinking of Malou this week. I sure hope she is smiling down on you.

  5. I’ve been thinking about and your little girl this week. I think honoring her memory is the best thing you can do and I think you are doing a wonderful job of it.

  6. This is so beautifully written…you describe the painful memories so well. I think all of us who have lost a baby have VERY vivid memories of the moment we found out, and we all start to cry when we think about it. Malou IS so much more than her stillbirth…she is your beautiful daughter who is important to so many of us. Malou Amelia is such a beautiful name.

  7. […] One year ago I wrote this. […]


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