5 days…

Today
has been spent preparing for
Malou’s
birthday party
(and planning
the Great Sibling European Reunion).

Trying to buy the ingredients for a
simple dinner
(don’t want to stress myself)
and finding the
perfect cupcake recipe
(that won’t be so simple).

I found some pink food dye
and some cute pink and purple sprinkles
for the cupcakes.

I bought a Danish flag
(a birthday tradition here)
for her grave,
50 multi-colored balloons
(still working on the helium)

and some markers
for the kids who are coming.
I am going to buy a bunch of
pretty patterned paper
and stickers
so they can decorate
something special for
Malou
(or just to keep them occupied
if I think it’s too awkward
to say,
“Here, kiddos, please make a birthday
card for my dead daughter.
She’ll love it!”)

How do you explain that?

Actually, the kids who are coming
(three sisters, ages 4, 5 and 10)
were really sweet when
Malou
died.

Their parents explained what happened
as best they could
and after the funeral,
they came to our house
and looked at pictures of
Malou
with me and their mom.

They were very somber
but also very interested,
and when the middle one saw a picture of me
she said,
“you look sad.”

Wow,
I’m spending a lot of time
lately
reflecting.

Anyways,
I spent 45 minutes looking
for the perfect patterned paper
in a craft shop
and finally gave up frustrated.

I want everything to be perfect,
but I need to let that go.

I guess
there’s just so little I can do for
Malou
that I place too much emphasis
on things that don’t matter.

I am going to try my best
not to do that on her
birthday.

Just to relax,
and enjoy the people around me,
the sight of the people
I love remembering
my girl.

My beautiful girl.

Sometimes my breath is taken away
at the thought that
she is really gone.

She died.

Sometimes I still cannot believe it.
I know it, but it doesn’t feel real.

By the way,
when Tom and I were at the grocery store
we ran into an old friend of Tom’s,
someone whom he hasn’t seen in
about 20 years
(me with no make-up and tennis shoes,
don’t  you just love that?
At least it wasn’t an ex-girlfriend)
and of course,
the conversation turned eventually to
family.

Do you have any children? he asked

And my dear husband
said Yes.

Despite my raging fertility hormones,
which make Tom’s every move lately
aggravate my last nerve,
I just got to say,

I love that man. 

(Him and his super-sperm:
we go into tomorrow morning
for two counts of acupuncture
and a two-embryo transfer,
we hope,
as 5 out of our 6 eggs
fertilized properly so far –

please keep me in your
thoughts and/or prayers
for at least two
perfect embryos tomorrow
and a successful transfer
mid-morning Copenhagen time)

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Published in: on May 23, 2009 at 17:48  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. It sounds like Malou is going to have a great party! I’m so glad that people are coming to celebrate and remember her. It’s amazing how sweet small children can be. My niece was 2 when Ada died, and she came to see me in the hospital. A week or two later she and I talked about it and she kept saying, “You were sad in the hospital.” She and my sister-in-law came over one day and I showed them the unedited version of Ada’s picture. (I let my SIL decide whether or not she wanted my niece to see it…I would have understood if she said no.) My niece kept pointing to the bloody spot on Ada’s head and saying, “Ada died.” She seemed really fascinated by the picture. Her cat had recently died too, so she was kind of grasping the concept of death. It meant a lot to me that my niece cared that much about Ada. She even started calling her baby doll Ada for a while after that. Anyway, I’m really glad you have children in your life who care about Malou, too. All of us do.

  2. Hi Stephanie!
    Wow this is getting a really nice party for your little princess. Maybe I´ve got an idea for the kids. You can tell them Malou would be glad to get some pictures from them. They can draw pipctures about themselves or their family or whatever they want. Everything is welcome because Malou will love it. When they are ready you can put each picture in an envelope and hang it on a ballon. Now they can send their drawings to malou in heaven by letting them fly. It´s just a thought but maybe it`s a good way to explain.
    P.S: My fingers are still crossed and I hope there are some good looking embryos. 🙂

  3. Hi Stephanie.
    WOW Malou is having a really nice party. I thought about an idea for the kids. You can tell them Malou would be glad to get some pictures. Maybe you can ask them to paint a picture about themselves or their family or whatever they want. When they are ready you can put their pictures in an envelope. Now you give each of them a ballon where they can hang the envelope on. If they are ready they pass the ballons to Malou in heaven by letting them fly. Maybe thats a good way to explain it to the kids.
    P.S: My fingers are still crossed and I hope there are some good looking embryos. 🙂

  4. Hi Stephanie!
    WOW Malou is having a very nice party. I thought about an idea for the kids. You can tell them that Malou would be glad to get some pictures. They can draw something about themselves or their family or whatever they want. When they are ready you put it in envelopes and they can hang it on ballons. Now they send it to Malou in heaven by letting the ballons fly. Maybe it´s a godd idea to explain it to the kids.
    P.S: My fingers are still crossed and I hope there are some good looking embryos. 🙂

  5. I really hope all went well this morning. I will call a bit later. Good news with the 5 🙂
    We too are looking forward to Thursday evening for Malou’s birthday Try not to stress yourself, your friends are there for you all, not see see if you can be perfect. You always have things right so no doubt it is a natural talent (as is your writing) Relax and try to remember all the good things leading up to this time last year. I know this is easier said than done but let yourself (emotions, whatever they may be) flow with “whatever” I am sure it is good therapy to let it all out. Remember, we are here for you ANY TIME. By the way, I love cupcakes.
    Hugs.

  6. Sorry for the 3 posts. I´ve got some problems with my internet today. 😦 Hope you don´t mind.

  7. Thanks for the finger-crossing, Pati.
    And that is a good idea about the drawings for the kids. We are still trying to find helium – I hope we can.

  8. Hi Beth. Your niece sounds so sweet. It seems like young kids are a lot less afraid of death, or at least to talk about it (and see it, for example, in pictures). Or maybe it’s just their honesty.


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