6 days…

Time is flying…

Ever since our first IVF
didn’t work

my relationship with God
has changed a lot.

For as long as I can remember
I prayed
Our Father,
Hail Mary,
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
(you can see I haven’t changed
my routine much since childhood)
as well as a personal prayer
each night before falling asleep.

I’ve  pretty much stopped that.

And despite my
Catholic background
I don’t feel guilty
about it at all.

I felt more guilty
when I’d get mad at
my parents
as a child
and write myself notes
before falling asleep
so I would “remember”
to be mad at them in the morning.
(Did you know I did this, Mom and Dad?)

It never worked.

My anger would always dissolve.

Of course,
that’s probably because
I would get angry about
silly things.

The death of my daughter
is not silly.

That said,
I don’t really blame anyone.

Not the doctors at the hospital
mentioned in my previous post,
not myself,
and not God.

But this loss
has changed my relationship
with everyone.

Including God.

And I’m okay with that.

I think He knows the real me,
what I’m feeling inside,
and isn’t judging me.

So last night,
before falling asleep,
I tried to pray.

Pray for
pray for
our new chance,
pray for

and you know what?

I smelled my grandpa O.

The slightly sweet smell
of his hair.

And I was comforted.

This isn’t the first time
I have sensed Grandpa.

So whether or not
there is or isn’t a God,
I do know one thing:

our loved ones
aren’t gone
when they die.

My grandpa is still right here,
next to me when I need him,
and I bet he is playing with
right now
because he knows
I need her to feel his love too.

Oh, Malou, so many people I have loved have paved the way to heaven for you. I know they are taking good care of you until I can get there. I love you, sweetie pie. Give your great-grandpa a kiss for me and tell him I love and miss him too.

Published in: on May 22, 2009 at 14:11  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I like this post. Our relationship with God cannot be streamlined into a uniform condition. Whatever it is that works for you is what you should exercise. Sounds like you are comfortable with what role religion plays in your life, and this story about Grandpa makes it completely evident!

  2. Wow, that was a powerful post for me. I am SO glad that Grandpa came for a “visit”. He was so close to you all your life, that much I do know. After mom died he developed deeper relationships with all his grandchildren. And he came to our house everyday for his bologna sandwich and a glass of milk from the time you were one year old. So it does seem fitting that he would want to give you a sign now in your difficult times, just to gently remind you that there IS a Heaven and he is up there with your baby girl. I am so so happy that he did that for you.

    And No, I did not know that you wrote notes at night to remind you to stay mad at us (but it is exactly something I would expect from you). You are too fuuny.

    Love you and I can do the praying for both of us right now.

  3. Stephanie, I think that it is great that you are turning towards God again…I know for a fact that you aren’t going to find the healing you are looking for anywhere else.

    Prayer is so important…turning to God and asking for His Guidance, healing, opening our hearts to Him. I don’t want to discount it at all. But, we do need to give Him a chance to talk back. I encourage you to spend some time in your Bible, letting Him speak back. I know the Psalms has a lot that would speak to the brokenness of your heart. Finding scripture and taking those verses, placing them in areas where your mind can be filled with them on your “dark” days…there is Power in that. Truth in that. No magic pill, that is for sure, but better healing than you will find anywhere else…

  4. I think this is a great post. Especially the bit about writing yourself notes as a kid to remind yourself to be mad. That is SO you 🙂 I am sure Grandpa is with Malou and they are watching you prepare for her birthday together. A comforting thought – hang on to it.

  5. Hi Willow. Thanks for your thoughts. It is nice to hear a more biblically-based perspective, since that is obviously quite different than how I usually go about things. 🙂

  6. Hi Mom. I figured you would have found these notes at some point, that’s why I thought you knew. 🙂
    I forgot Grandpa always came for lunch too (probably because I was in school when I was old enough to remember). My best memories are spending every Sunday with him – from church to brunch to dinner.

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