7 days…

Oh, my gosh,
that is only a week.

One week until
Malou Amelia’s
1st birthday.

You know,
she could have lived.

If she was born prematurely,
a 32-week old baby
has a pretty good chance
at surviving
and having no negative effects.

I thought that
as I went into the hospital
last May 25th
with stomach pains.

Well, at least if I have to deliver,
she’ll be okay.

It is shocking to me
that no one, no doctor,
was worried about my baby.

I was in agonizing pain,
throwing up,
could hardly walk
because of the sharp,
stabbing pains in my stomach,
which were causing
Braxton-Hicks contractions

and the doctor on call
told me I needed to give him
a urine sample before
he could do anything.

What a jerk.

We walked out of the room
and went straight
to labor & delivery.

Not because I really thought
I was in labor.

But I wanted
someone to care about
my baby.

And they did.

But hospitals here
tend to treat for the most likely,
as opposed to assuming the worst.

So they listened for
Malou’s
heartbeat
(it was in the 120s, I remember,
whereas earlier in my pregnancy
it was in the 160s…
I thought about it at the time,
but I was in so much pain,
I couldn’t talk to express my concern,
so when they said
she was fine
I believed them)

they checked to see if I was dilated
(I wasn’t)

and then
they gave me some pain medication
(I did manage to ask
if it was safe for
Malou)
and checked me into a room.

The next morning,
they gave me an ultrasound
to check for kidney stones.

They were so close
to my girl,
yet they never looked at her.

Why didn’t I insist?

I wonder,
was she already gone then?
Or could we have seen something
to save her?

I just think sometimes
she could have lived.

And I think all the time
she should have lived.

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Published in: on May 21, 2009 at 19:41  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. It’s so frustrating when you think back about all the could haves and should haves. I didn’t feel Ada kick for probably 5 days or so before I called the doctor. The whole kicking thing was new to me so I wasn’t sure how often I should feel her, and now I just think how dumb that was! 5 days is so long! I wonder if I had said something earlier if they could have caught it. It would have been too early to deliver though – 23 weeks – but maybe they could have done something. Who knows. I’m sorry you’re having these thoughts and it is really hard to not know if things could have gone differently. Malou was definitely taken care of by her parents.

  2. It is easy to look back and say what you could have done… there are millions of ifs. But what you did was right in all its aspects. You treated your body right throughout the pregnancy, and you responded appropriately to signs it was giving you. It is also very hard to say that it was the hospital’s fault too because there is still so much unknown. I hope you use your reflection not to agonize about the ‘what ifs’ but rather to cherish the time you got to spend with Malou. You did everything you could, and as I have said before, she is lucky to have you as a mother!

  3. I get this too. No one told me at 40 weeks 5 days and already in labour, I had to be worried about the BABY. Heaven forbid, she was a sure thing. Then she died. I get so mad about it, and I too go over and over the what ifs and what should have beens.
    It is exhausting.

  4. I can only agree with the others here, It is all “easy” in retrospect. Try not to think about that. Everyone did all they thought was right at the time. Nobody wanted this to happen. Think positive and look forward. We are here for you.
    Hugs


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