Control

Oh, how I crave control.

And it drives me crazy
that I have so little control
in my own life.

Probably because I always
have felt in control,
that now that I’m not,
I have trouble handling it.

Does anybody have any good ideas
about how to let go
of control?

I want to,
but man, I hold on tight.

One thing I want to control
(and can’t)
is my fertility.

Today
I had another scan
and somehow
7 follicles (eggs) on Sunday
has turned into 4-5 max.

Where did they go?
Honestly,
somebody is trying to mess
with my head.

So more tears today…

but fortunately,
they didn’t last as long as on Sunday.

But in addition to being sad,
I am also a bit angry.

And now I have a target!
It’s the doctor…
who despite agreeing
to go “all out” with hormones
to try to develop the most eggs possible,
evidently didn’t really mean it.
I found out today
(from another doctor)
that I’ve been on a low dose!

Tell that to my mood swings!

My stomach is bruised
and bloated
from the hormones
I inject daily
(I measured my waist-
I am the same size now
as I was when I was 16 weeks pregnant)

and the slightest set-back
has me in tears.

I was about ready to call it off
(if we call it off,
we get another “free” chance
with the opportunity to go for
more eggs)

but
then we were offered
a chance to participate
in a promising research project
(having to do with the cultivation fluid
used for the eggs)
which also means
they will let the embryo(s)
develop a bit more
before transferring back to me.

So we are going for it.

The nurse also convinced me
that our chances are better
because the “best” doctor
in the hospital
will be vacuuming out
(er, I mean, extracting)
the follicles,
so maybe we’ll get more
than the 4-5 it looks like now.

This will mean,
assuming all goes well
with fertilization,
that the embryo(s)
would be transferred back to me
on Sunday,
4 days before
Malou’s
birthday.

Good timing.

We’re also going to try
acupuncture
before and after the transfer
(shown to increase the chances
of a pregnancy).

Changing up the routine.

I guess that is one thing I can control.

So for those still following along,
prayers, good thoughts, positive thinking,
wishes on stars, finger crossing,
fairy dust, baby dust,
whatever you believe in-

please keep ’em coming
this weekend.

Thanks.

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Published in: on May 19, 2009 at 16:25  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hi Stephanie!
    My fingers are crossed and I´m trying to teach it to Emilia. 🙂 Maybe she is the one giving you the luck you need. So keep going and think positive. It sounds like a good chance. Patients in research projects are really good controlled. Doctors always try to be better cause its research. I will think of you on Thursday and Sunday.
    Best wishes. Pati

  2. Thanks Pati (and Emilia),
    I’m also feeling good about this particular research project. It’s supposed to mimic the body’s natural fluids when TTC via “natural” methods, so that can’t be bad. 🙂

  3. So the eggs feel like being home. That can`t be bad. 🙂

  4. I know what you mean about control. I am a real planner – I usually try to nail down our Christmas plans in July. I know I drive my family crazy sometimes! So when it comes to major life events like having children, of course you want to plan it! We get to control things like when/where we go to college and who we marry, so why shouldn’t we get to control this, too? I haven’t had to deal with infertility so my background is different from yours, but I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you. No, I can do more than imagine, because I have gone on your roller coaster ride with you! I get upset with you every time you get bad news! Anyway, I’m glad that you’re still able to be positive…it must be so hard…and I am hopeful that everything will go well on Sunday. 🙂

    I like your daily countdown because I always look forward to reading your blog! Now there’s more to read! 🙂

  5. I’ll be praying for all your little eggs! Love you!

  6. Atta girl, target that anger at the Doctor… just not the nurse! 😉

  7. Good Girl, that is the fighting spirit I know and love so well. Try everything that is offered to you to make your chances better. I can’t believe that the Dr. was giving you a low dose again! How did that mis-communication happen do you know? I will be doing all my crossing of fingers and toes and getting my friends on the prayer list and lighting more candles. It just has to work one of these times. But if it does not – don’t give up, please keep trying…
    love you mom/grandma

  8. Zach,
    The nurse was the best part of the whole day! I know you’ll be the same type of nurse. 🙂
    Love,
    Stephanie

  9. Wow, great news for extra hope and monitoring. I will be with you in spirit, of course. Yes, here’s to the nurses of the world, they are mostly fantastic. 🙂
    The crazy doctor, simply not wanting to comply with your wishes after long discussions or not bothering to alter your notes in the file. Hmm!!


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