9 days…

I am worrying people.

I can tell by all the loving emails
I am receiving.

Don’t worry,
this countdown to
birthday is simply that –

I know a year
doesn’t really change anything
but contrary to most of this past year,
I am looking forward to moving past
instead of being scared of it.

Because I know now
that just because time moves on,
just because I move on in time,
doesn’t mean that
my love for
my girl

I read somewhere that
grief, the really nitty-gritty bad parts of it,
over the loss of a child
takes on average
2 years.

This isn’t exactly comforting
and I don’t mean to live my life by
what a book says
or to rationalize my feelings,
because they are what the are.
Feelings can’t be changed,
although granted reactions can.
But I do want to reassure you
that I am “normal” –

so say my therapist and doctor anyways.

I do feel that when I slip
into these horrible patches of grief
that last about one day
that I am in a serious depression.

But then it disappears,
almost as quickly as it came.

Do any other
babyloss mamas feel this way?

By the way,
Here’s an interesting letter
about a person
worried about her family’s member’s
(the comments give another perspective as well).

Published in: on May 19, 2009 at 16:26  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I feel like some days are just so hard and others, I skate through. I do think about the boys everyday. I miss them everyday. I get up in the morning and I know they are gone. I hurt all the time but it’s a duller hurt now. It’s not the same hurt it was a month after I they died, not as sharp. I can function now and I remember what I am doing from minute to minute which is an improvement for me. I still have trouble saying their names to strangers and I can’t breathe when I see twin boys. Two years is not a long time but I can say, it does hurt less…

  2. Hi Martha,
    Thanks, as usual, for your comments. They always resonate with me. I just saw you’re back on your blog, so I am going to check in.

  3. well Steph was glad to read your post today. I am glad you are aware people are concerned about you, and that at least some of your depression doesn’t last forever. i know this is a hard time for you, especially around Malou’s birthday but everyone is thinking of you and Malou and trying to be there for you. We are all hoping that something will work and hopefully sooner rather than later…..but you are doing everything you can. We love you and miss you!

  4. Feelings come and go and change as they do. We cannot alter that, only on the surface can we put on a “brave”face. Let them be and do not feel guilty of how you are feeling. It is all a part of grief and we are all different. We love you no matter what.

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