Everyday with Malou

I usually only post on Wednesdays, but I have a lot of thoughts and feelings running around in my head recently, so you can expect a lot more posts leading up to and after Malou Amelia’s birthday. So if you’re only checking in on Wednesday, be sure to scroll down to catch up. And feel free to comment! Your comments keep me going…

Published in: on May 18, 2009 at 08:31  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hi Steph, I just sent you an email xoxo

  2. WoW! quite a post this week. I hate hearing that you feel like you don’t have a purpose and the things that usually bring you joy don’t. I can’t compare our situations but i can compare little moments of disconnection with myself. That is what i call those depressing moments that you just explained. They are much deeper then the little ruts some people face and they are very hard to get out of once you get in them. You have to find the strength and tactics that work for you to get “out of the depression spell”. The other day i went for a walk and somehow my mind was able to change focus and connect back into my joy. I was taking deep breathes and inhaling things that I love and are important and trying my best to keep the negative, scary, unwanted thoughts in. That should be your homework or one of your 30 things to do to break out of the horrific rut because it really is a scary and sad place to be and you deserve more then that. Your life does have a purpose. I wish i could bonk you on the head and make you realize that you are a smart, beautiful, and a fun indvidaul. That has a whole life ahead of them. Your life is not doomed with sadness for eternity. You will learn to let your world except joy someday. I don’t know when but it will come. You think that God is not with you at this time. He is probably the one that is saving you from doing a stupid thing like suicide. I have had days that I have wanted to die but I can thank God for getting me through them. Just like you will be thanking him when your world will oneday be in the place where you want it to be.

    You think that when people say you are strong it means you don’t love Malou…that is crap. They are saying you are strong because you are putting one foot in front of the other which on somedays it is the last thing you want to do. They are commending you for living and not doing the easy thing like giving up or escaping the world. You are strong for doing that. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your daughter anyless. Take it as a compliment and know that you are not giving into the temptations of letting go. It is hard but you have to “live for the living”. You have to think of the others who care about you and live for them. We know you are hurting and in deep pain but your mom, Tom and many other family and friends need you to dig DEEP and day by day find the strength and tools do battle this VERY difficult situation that you were unfortuanately given.

    I say this with all love and kindness and agree that you have every right to be sad and hurting but at the sametime you have to learn to live day by day because a life sentence of depression is not fair. Your family and friends do not want to see you live your life in sadness. These things may piss you off but know that i love and care for you enough to say them because you deserve some joy and passion to return.

    If your version of purpose is to have another child then i think it is time to put your name on the list for adoption. Why stop your “idea of purpose” Now i am not saying that you won’t have a child biological but start trying various avenues.

    Go gettem girl….You have a team supporting you. Find ways to make you reconnect with the passion. It is hard but with a lot of work you can do it.

    Love you, beck

  3. Hi dear Becky,

    Well, judging from your message, and my mom and Tammy’s emails, I am worrying people!

    I tend to write on this blog when I need to get my grief out – and often, just by writing, it is relieved. And feeling the love and support of others, whether through comments or emails or calls or whatever, helps.

    So I won’t be censoring my thoughts on this blog, but I will also try to write when I am having good days too, because I want you all to see that.

    Just to clarify, I actually don’t get the comment about being strong very often (surprise, surprise ;)), and when I do, I don’t take it negatively. It’s just something I have heard a lot from my fellow mamas who’ve lost babies, and I related to it.

    Today, so far, is a good day, so check back later for my post of the day. I want to chronicle this period leading up to Malou’s birthday so I can see if I see any pattern to my feelings.

    And I am all over adoption! I just need Tom on board. He is not (yet) and I think we both need to be 110% for it before we pursue anything. I have a post brewing about that too. đŸ™‚


  4. I think Becky has said it all and very well too. You are such a great person, Steph, and I know you do have your good days. It will not be long before they are more than the bad ones. I am thinking of you today and all the heartache of this time last year. If you need to talk, please call. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

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