11 days…

until
Malou’s
birthday.

I think I will be posting up a storm,
trying to save myself.

We found out today
that I have 7 follicles (potential eggs)
growing –
this is on the “high dose” of hormones.

Same number as last time,
on the “low dose.”

I pretty much lost it
after we left,
feeling like this is never going to work for us.

Tom drove me to
Malou’s
grave
where it dawned on me
that I don’t even want a new baby.

I just want
Malou.

Came home
and cried for 3 hours,
aware the entire time
that I was “wasting” my day,
just like I feel like I am wasting my life
on grief.

I am too chicken to do it,
but I really understand
the pull of suicide.

It just feels (sometimes)
like nothing is worth living for.

It’s been (almost)
a year.

My life is the same.

Full of sadness,
and the sound of silence.

Nothing gives me any satisfaction
any more.

Not my marriage,
not my family,
not my friends,
not my job,
not my volunteer work
(ok, granted, I haven’t really started that yet),
not my ’30 new things’…

I am waiting for my purpose.

I want to make a difference,
but I feel too tired, too sad,
to even try.

This is not fair.
Life is not fair.
God, if there is a God, is not fair.

My world is not right,
my baby is dead
and I can’t get pregnant
and there is not one damn thing
I can do about it.

How can I let go?
I want to control it all,
but I can’t.
How do I make peace with that?

(these aren’t just hypothetical questions –
if you have the answers, I am all ears)

Tom found some
Baskin-Robbins
ice cream for me,
which make things slightly better,
but not much
(they didn’t have my favorite
peanut butter and chocolate).

We paid 18 USD for these
– gotta love Danish prices –
(the paper towels are for size reference)

Baskin-Robbins mmmmm

Unfortunately
ice cream doesn’t cure everything.

I am also feeling guilty today.

My diary entry from May 8, 2008, reads
I was worried yesterdy about our baby’s lack of movement (I even called the midwife but an ice cold glass of water woke her up enough to calm me before I could go in to check her heartbeat). Tody she was more her active self, although with milder kicks.

Was my baby
sending me a sign
that she was unwell?
Did I not listen to her?
We don’t know why she died.
Not really.
The autopsy was inconclusive.
But I think she was sick
and growing weaker
and I did nothing to protect her.

I didn’t know.

This is proving to be a tough month.
My baby’s birth month.
My baby’s death month.

I still can’t believe it.

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Published in: on May 17, 2009 at 20:28  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I have been thinking about you this week. I’m having a hard time coming up with what to say, but I just want you to know that I can totally understand your feelings. I’m not saying, “I know how you feel”…I just mean that I can understand why you feel that way. I am so scared of losing this baby, and I seriously think I would turn suicidal if I did. We can only handle so much grief, you know what I mean? Losing a child does take away a huge sense of purpose. I am so, so sorry that Malou’s birthday is coming up and that you’re not expecting again, but still, it doesn’t erase the pain of losing Malou. I know you miss her so much. You are an unbelievably wonderful mother. I am praying that you get to be that mother to many children.

  2. May will be your most difficult month as it is the “first” of everything. I have heard the “firsts” are the worst. I know you are positive deep down and you know we are here for you – ALWAYS. You are a loving person and have heaps to give and you will soon have another little person to ove soon.
    Hugs


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