No.

I am numb.

But the tears are coming.
I can feel it.
So is the anger.

My heart goes from being filled with
hope
to
hate
so quickly.

I hate this.

I hate trying to get pregnant.

I hate my body.

I hate my life without my daughter.

Happy F**king Mother’s Day to me.

My period has arrived early,
proving that yet again,
I can’t hold on to
a baby,
not even a 5-celled one.

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Published in: on May 9, 2009 at 11:12  Comments (10)  
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10 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. My heart fell when I saw the title of your post. I can’t imagine how upset you must be. I’m so sorry. 😦

  2. Hey, I’m so sorry, I have been reading your blog but have never commented before. You just seem so lovely. I truly hope you have a sibling for Malou soon.

  3. Thanks for the comments, girls. And excuse my “Danish” (I’m sure Danes use the word f**k a lot more than French :)).

    Tom and I are headed out for a drive in the country and hope to find a nice hotel to stay the night in.
    ***
    Edited to add that we didn’t find a hotel. They were all kind of yucky (but still cost 200 usd of course). But we had a long drive, visited the last place Malou was ever alive with me, and had a talk about everything from life and death, to adoption and donor sperm. I can’t say I am feeling better, but I’m hanging on.

  4. Hi Stephanie!

    I startet reading your blog few days ago after memorizing my unborn baby. I lost it in week 8 one year ago. Nothing compared to your situation but hard for me. We waited so long for it to arrive but it took almost 2 years. I knew the extrem mood changes when period starts. I was really upset with me and my body. Then a friend of mine told me that babies are miracles and miracles take a while. That doesn`t really helps me a lot but later i realized its right. I see it every day when looking at my little daughter. She is almost 11 months old and called Emilia Lucia and she is a miracle that was worth waiting for. This miracle will come to you too. I`m pretty sure! And than Malou is going to be a big sister. πŸ™‚
    Hope you understand what i mean. I tried my best to explain but my last english lessons were in school over 10 years ago. πŸ™‚
    I`m glad you liked Berlin!

    Best wishes to you and your husband from Germany
    Pati

  5. Hi Pati. Thanks for your kind message. We are not so far away, I guess. πŸ™‚ I’m sorry about your little lost one, but glad to hear you have your little miracle now. I hope another one comes soon for us too.
    PS I love the name Emilia Lucia.

  6. I hate this.

    I just hate this.
    I am angry. This sucks.

    I’m so so sorry. I will hold you close to my heart tomorrow. Wishing Malou was here with you.

  7. Hang in there, Steph… I can only imagine how painful/frustrating it must be but it will happen. My cousin took almost 5 years to get pregnant and was beginning to lose hope when her little miracle happened…

    Hope you don’t have to wait as long as her but just goes to show how long it can take sometimes πŸ™‚

    My thoughts are with you!
    Hugs/Sofia

  8. My poor poor Stephanie. My heart is breaking for you – again. But I will not give up hope. I still just feel with with all my soul that you will be a parent sometime soon. Stay strong for Tom if you cannot stay strong for yourself.

    I love you

  9. I just had the feeling on Monday that things were not right but held off looking on your blog till now as I did not want to read bad news but was compelled to look now. I am so sorry for you. I can understand you must feel like S—.! I feel positive for next round as we will be back from Australia for the birth πŸ™‚ Hang in there and try to enjoy the sunshine and be out in it as much as possible, it does make you feel a little brighter. You little miracle will soon be here. Huge hugs for you and Tom.

  10. Hey sweetheart. I am just getting up to date from the week. I don’t know what to say, except that I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could give you some inspirational advice that would make it all make sense…but it doesn’t make sense 😦 I love you, and you are an amazing mama. Hang in there because you make the world a better place.


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