How could I not have
kissed her tiny belly,
looked at the bottom of her feet,
examined every toenail and fingernail,
rubbed my cheek against hers…

Did I?
And I don’t remember?

Or did I not?

Which is worse?

I am thankful that I don’t have too many regrets.
But I wish I spent more time with my daughter.

I wish I had taken her home.

I wish I had taken a picture of her
with me and Tom
where we don’t look like our world has fallen apart.

Our family photos
aren’t exactly what you’d put on a Christmas card.

I guess what I really wish
is that I could have had a lifetime of loving
here on Earth.

Malou Amelia, you are the sweetest thing ever created. I look at your pictures and cry, but at the same time, I am filled with such happiness. You fill me with happiness. To know you, to love you, to hold you in my arms, it is enough because it has to be enough. And I am grateful. I will love you for eternity. You and I are just meant to be, I know it, sweet girl. I can’t wait to see you again.

Published in: on May 6, 2009 at 13:58  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I am sure you did all those things that new mums do even it you cannot remember clearly. Your love is strong and deep and you will always have a special relationship with your first born daughter, Malou Amelia. You do have some beautiful photos and memories to look at when you want – our feelings of happy and sad at the same time are funny and hard to understand but I am sure they do us good.

  2. We’re always going to regret missing out on all of the things we could have done if we had unlimited time with our daughters. Nobody should be limited to just a few hours to hold their child.

  3. I was just thinking about you, Tom and dear Malou Amelia. I think of how wonderful it would be to see the three of you…all happy and content. I see so many people take kids for granted and it makes me so upset because I know that you are good parents. I hope that someday soon you will be given another chance. We care about you very much. Please know we think of you often. Love, Julie

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