Remembering Malou

Yesterday marked
Malou’s
11 month birthday.

I cannot believe
it has been that long
since she was born.

Sometimes it feels like just
yesterday.

I couldn’t fall asleep
one night last week
because my head was filled with images
of her.

Normally
I don’t dwell too much
(with the exception of my “bad days”
which I have every couple of weeks).
I can see her picture,
or think of her birth,
and not dive into the feelings.

I guess it is self-preservation.

I mean,
if every time
Malou
was in my mind,
or spoken aloud,
and I really went there
then I could not function.

Because she is still on my mind
all the time,
every hour of every day.

But last week
I lay in bed exhausted
but unable to fall asleep
because I was
haunted?
graced?
by image after image of
Malou.

Remembering.

What it was like to find out she died.

Labor.

Her birth.

The first time I saw her,
held her.

Saying goodbye
(that  memory is hard).

But even with all these memories,
even with it often feeling like
Malou
was just here
in my womb
a moment ago

there are still things I forget.

Fortunately
we have so many pictures
of this time
so I can remind myself.

I am afraid of forgetting
even one tiny detail.

Because if I forget,
who will remember?

It feels like that number
dwindles daily.

Not too many people mention
Malou
anymore
(despite me mentioning her daily).
They’ve moved on in a way,
and I don’t blame them.
But I wonder if they think that
I should be moved on by now?

One of my good friends here
forgot
the month in which
Malou
was born.

I wasn’t offended,
but later it came back to me
and I realized I was hurt.

But as another friend told me,
this pain is something
I have to get through,
and others have to get over.

That makes sense to me.

It’s just a different type of pain
when it’s your daughter.

Unfortunately,
I know many of you readers
already know this.

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Published in: on April 29, 2009 at 19:30  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. You will never forget things about your pregnancy or Malou’s death and birth – only the labour pains. That is God’s way of wanting us to go there again. All the photos are great memory joggers of your times together but the most important is the special feeling you have inside – that you will always have. Great love never dies and our hearts grow to enable us to love more. As you said earlier “nature is amazing”.
    Hugs.


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