Where are you, Malou?

I’m not feeling very inspired lately.
Usually
I have about a million
post ideas for this blog.

It has been such a good way
for me to get my thoughts
out of my head.

I still have lots of thoughts
swirling around
but tonight
I am relying on
other people’s words.

I hang on to the
hope
that my aunt,
who lost her daughter,
is right when she wrote me this:

A part of you will always be lost,
but a wonderful loving part of her
will stay with you forever.
I promise you that.

Sometimes
all I feel is lost.
Other times
I can feel this
amazing love
and focus on that
instead of the loss.

I look for signs from little
Malou.

Is it my imagination?

Or is she the wind
drying my tears
when I sit at her grave?

Is she the heart-shaped
stone, tree, rock,
that I see all around me?

Is she the tiny expressions
of life
I see everywhere?

The sweet ladybug,
the baby spider,
the pet moth
(don’t ask why it’s a pet)
the fragile bird egg,
the new little duckling?

I want her to be more
than the ache in my heart,
the emptiness in my life,
the desperation in my dreams.

And she IS.

I know that.

But I know she also deserves more
from me.

(ok, I guess I did have a few things to say)

Oh, my sweet darling daughter, I see reminders of you everywhere I go but I still miss you so much. I love you more than I can bear and I never want to let you go.  But I do want to let go of the pain and embrace the love. I just don’t know how to do that so well. Please whisper to God to help your adoring mama.

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Published in: on April 22, 2009 at 07:23  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Steph,
    I read an obituary the other day of a little boy that had died at the age of 3 months. I thought what they wrote was very special….I thought you might find it comforting also.

    “Just a decade ago, an angel came down, and gently turned all of our lives around. Graced us with his presence, and showed us how to love. Thank you Lord for sending us this blessing from up above.”

  2. As always you write so beautifully. All the signs of new life are around us in the Spring and we feel more grateful for the sun, blue sky and “freshness” all around us (I do anyway) These can more prominent in your life as signs from Malou as it is all beauty in a new way. I think these are lovely signs and take and enjoy them as such. Malou is probably making you more aware of the amazing beauty around us and letting you know she is in a beautiful place surrounded by love. A good thought 🙂 Hugs

  3. I totally believe that all these signs you have mentioned above ARE from Malou. I have seen her myself especially in baby birds from the first day she died. The little birds I have seen have acted so differently than most wild animals that I just know that they are signs from her. God would not leave you and Tom totally alone here on earth without a part of your beautiful baby Malou. There is a reason why she is in Heaven and not here – we just don’t know that reason now. But try to have faith that it is a good one. I love you both and our baby girl…

  4. Hi Stephanie! Thinking of you and Tom, and continue praying for you both. Also thinking of Malou often and keeping you all close. Miss you lots.

    Rebecca


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