Tough break

We had 5 days off
for the Easter holiday.

We didn’t plan anything special,
unlike last year
(as you could see above)

but we did enjoy
the beautiful weather
and the yummy
traditional Danish
“Easter lunch”
aka
“Påskefrokost”
and saw a great concert
with a new
up-and-coming Danish musician
Mads Langer

(who signed his CD
to my daughter Malou –
he didn’t ask and I didn’t tell,
but boy did it feel good to just
say casually, “just make it out to
my daughter Malou”)

To Malou from Mads

Anyways…

as is typical
evidently
when I don’t have
anything planned
or
when I have
too much planned:

I lose it.

I think this also was
precipitated
by a bush
in our backyard
flowering,
which reminds me of
Malou
and this picture:

26 weeks pregnant with Malou

and by the realization
that we are soon
entering
the zone
where I wasn’t
pregnant a year ago.

I don’t like that
thought
much at all.

At least now
the season
reminds me of
Malou
and what incredible
joy
she brought me
while I was pregnant
with her.

I can think back
and remember
that a year ago today
Malou’s
heart was beating
inside me.

*okay, deep breath*

I lost it
Thursday
when a good friend
tried to pull me
onto the dance floor
(aka her living room)…

…being “on” and happy
for 10 hours straight
(yes, those ‘påskefrokost’s are loooong)
was just too much.

I completely fell apart,
sobbing in a chair
in the middle of the room
(you know, the dance floor)
until Tom pulled me
to a bedroom.

We talked but
it didn’t help.

Sometimes
nothing helps.

I just cried and cried
and ignored everyone
who ignorantly
(but with good intentions)
pleaded with me to
just be happy.

The next day
I felt like I was
recovering from an illness.

That’s how I often feel
after a “sad day.”

Unfortunately,
the following day
I lost it again.

This time
we were home.

I could barely
muster the energy
to get myself
something to eat and drink.

(you know you’re not well
when you’re weak with thirst
but you just can’t be
bothered to move from the bed
to actually get a glass of water)

I just cried
and looked at
Malou’s
video
and read the blog
(especially the Memories post).

I pleaded with
God
that I couldn’t take much more.
To please help me.
Then Tom came home
and told me
that his father’s
sweet, wonderful wife
(Tom’s mom died in 1991)
was just diagnosed with
lung cancer.
And then I cried some more.

Life is so unfair.

This family can’t handle much more.
Please pray for a recovery
for dear Lissi.

Eventually
I summoned
some energy and
I made a new
sign for
Malou

(to replace
the two I had made
for her last summer,
and which now looked
pretty weather-beaten.
I felt like a bad mama,
that people would
think I was neglecting her…
as if people would judge
a parent by their child’s grave)

Malou is "loved forever" 
and then brought it to
Malou’s
grave
where we also
planted flower bulbs
and replaced the lanterns
to make it fresh and pretty
for spring.

Far med Malou

That made me feel
a bit better,
but also sad,
because no matter what
I do for her,
it’s not enough.

I have too much love to give
and not enough people
to give it to.

I never will.

Someone will always be
missing.

Malou.

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Published in: on April 15, 2009 at 18:37  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. This is a tough time for you and it will be the toughest – the first anniversary of Malou’s passing. You can only let out the grief, cry, beat the pillow or scream, whatever it takes. I can only imagine the feelings that come and go. Your friends ARE there for you and do understand. Don’t give them a thought. As you say the days have been lovely and Spring is everywhere, enjoy and hang on to the good thoughts of last year. It is time for all the new life and freshness and sumshine to come into your life. I am so sad for Lizzie now too and I pray for her, his dad, Tom and sister. Great pictures as usual. Hugs.

  2. The “refreshed” gravesite looks so pretty and your new sign is lovely as well.
    You will always do enough for your baby girl, don’t worry about that. You love her intensely with a mother’s heart and she knows that – that is all that is needed. Everything else you and Tom do to show your love is just added layers to that love.

    SOME DAY, SOMEHOW you WILL have another child to love…

    I love you Mom

  3. I just recently received an e-mail from one of the many people who have watched Malou’s video on the German website (with the forum for parents who have lost a baby). Ela wrote that the video has really touched her. She mentioned that her own father recently passed away and that he basically only lived for his grandchildren the last couple of years – and that she imagines him taking care of your daughter Malou for you until you meet again. The thought made me cry (oh, these hormones…), but I thought you might like it, which is why I wanted to share it with you.


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