From “The Elegant Gathering of White Snows” by Kris Radish

“…he might just as well have shot me in the head the night she died because without that baby girl my life has been a life of sorrow…Sweet Jesus, my life has passed and I have mourned a lifetime of might-have-beens…There is no way to measure a loss like that. Not every human heart can understand what it is like, only another mother, another woman who needs to walk away from such grief and loss…Life swirled around me. I acknowledged it but never joined in…the truth is I never really lived again…It has taken me 50 years to come to this point. 50 years before I could empty my heart of the sorrow that has suffocated my soul.”

I am so
and the short time
we had with each other.

I need to focus on that.

I am worried that
it will take me a lifetime
to “empty my heart of the sorrow”

so that is my mission:

To live my life
for my sweet little daughter.

It’s just so hard sometimes.

I feel like I am drowning.

Waking up,
then getting up out of bed,
can be a struggle.

Right after
I sometimes didn’t bother
to get out of bed,
or at least move further
than the couch.

Now I force myself up
into the shower
and on with my day.

Experience has shown me
that this helps.

That if I struggle
to the surface
I can breathe again.

And it feels good.

I hope the struggle
become less
and the memories
become sweeter
as time passes.

Published in: on April 1, 2009 at 11:36  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Steph, when I read that passage from the book I knew that it was what you were feeling. Just like when I read it the first time, I find myself crying again. Knowing that the pain you have in your heart and soul is indescribable. Thank you for being brave and continuing to write. I know that it is helpful for all of us all have a little glimpse of what is in your heart and I hope that it is helping you long the way. Always with love, b

  2. Thanks, B., and also for sending me this book. The other book you sent is excellent too. I will probably post about it later.

  3. I heard a spiritual therapist speaking yesterday and one thing she said really hit home with me “you must take all the time you need to grieve – it is hard and does take time. The long time it takes is because of the strong love you have and you love is a good way” Of course she said it better than that but I hope you understand the meaning – you love in a strong, loyal, good way. Hugs.

  4. That is what I pray for too. That our memories would be sweet and not tainted with bitterness, anger and despair.

    Praying for you.

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