Do you have any children?

Since May 28, 2008,
I have always answered
Yes
to this question.

Usually
I say
Yes, I have a daughter who died.

Or I say
None living.

I feel like to deny
having children
means I am denying my
Malou.

But I know that’s not true.

I just struggle with enough
guilt
that I don’t want to add that
on top of it.

But last week
when I visited
a grumpy old lady
(a new volunteer job –
one of my “30 new things”)
to see if we were a
good fit
(we weren’t :))
she asked me
if I had any children.

And I said
without hesitation
No.

That’s the first time
I have ever lied.

And I didn’t feel bad about it.

Of course,
my head was screaming
Yes
but I could sense
that this was not the time
or the person
to tell.

I have unfortunately
had the experience
of telling people
the truth
and getting
responses like,

“well, it’s for the best”

“sometimes the timing is just not right”

“at least you didn’t get to know her”

and so now
I am trying to figure out
the art
of identifying
who these clueless people are
before I answer.

And grumpy old lady
certainly seemed to be one of these.

Maybe I am unfairly assuming things
about her
but I am sure
Malou
understands
that her mama
has to protect her heart
sometimes
but that she is in my heart
every single second.

Every single second.

Every single day.

10 months ago today
Malou
was alive.

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Published in: on March 25, 2009 at 07:54  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Sorry to hear “Old Lady” was “Grumpy”. It could have been fun. But, for what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing. It’s better to save your “treasures” for people you really know and like. Will you try for another? Malou will always be your daughter, we know that and that’s what matters. You have to protect yourself too, Hugs.


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