10 months

Has it really been 10 months?

10 months tomorrow since
Malou
died in my womb.

Although
I don’t cry multiple times
a day anymore

Although
I can function and concentrate
for the most part

Although
I don’t feel like
screaming or crying or throwing up
when I see mothers
pushing strollers with newborns
and a toddler on their hip

I still feel like
it was yesterday.

Although I don’t feel
the intense pain
every minute
anymore

I do feel
the same pain.

It hurts
just as bad
as 9 months and 29 days ago.

Whoever said
Time eases your pain
is wrong.

Or maybe 10 months
isn’t long enough to count.

I’ve read that the intense part of
grief over losing a child
lasts at least 2 years.

I can believe it.

I can believe it
takes longer.

A lifetime, perhaps?

I wonder if I will ever feel
‘healed’ or ‘normal’
again.

I doubt it.
I feel damaged and incomplete.
I worry that I will never
feel true joy again.
That I will never be able to get my life
on track.
I worry that I am wasting so much
of my life
in sadness.

The only cure for me is
Malou
and so I can only live
for the future
and hope
that we will see each other again,

some day,

some how.

I love you more than anything, my darling girl. I am so sorry I lost you. You are the best daughter any mama could ever hope for. I am so sad I never got to feel your warm breath on my face. I miss everything about you. I will never love another person in this world like I love you.

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Published in: on March 25, 2009 at 07:50  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. I am sure you will never “get over” the passing of Malou. What mother would?! Ten months is not long at all, your wounds and heart have had a beating and those things take “forever” to heal. Do not feel like your wasting your life on sadness. Some of that sadness brings good memories, memories to be treasured. It will all fit into place eventually, I am sure. Just remember we are hear for you and I continue to pray for you every day – for your inner peace, your health, and your future. Hugs.


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