Pregnancies

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell
***
I hope that is true.
But it is so hard.

Every time
I am not pregnant
I am reminded of
the life I had planned
that I now have to let go.

I feel like I am always
letting go
but I don’t want to.
***
One favor I need to ask
is about pregnancy announcements.

Please hold off on telling me your good news
for awhile.

Just assume
I’m happy for you
-because I am-
and hoping everything goes well,
but please
don’t tell me.

Not now.

I am overwhelmed with
pregnancies:

Friends, Family, Colleagues, Random Acquaintances,
Animals at the Zoo, Characters on TV shows

Really,
it feels like every time I turn around
I hear another squeal of delight.

I think the count is now nearing 20
since I lost
Malou
(and I’m only counting
real people ;)).

Oh.My.Gosh. Give me a break. Tom just told me a friend of ours is pregnant. Honestly, I am happy for her, but how ironic that, as I am writing this post, I hear about the 3rd person this week who is pregnant.

I know not everyone’s road
has been easy
and I don’t begrudge anyone
(although I am jealous)

My struggle is that these announcements
come back to me
in my darkest moments
and I sob and wail
and my heart hurts so bad
for what I don’t have.

Really, truly,
I wish you all the best.

I can’t wait to meet your baby.

But I can wait to hear about the pregnancy. 

I’ll let you know when I’m ready
but I hope you can understand
that right now
I am not.

I hesistate to post this
because it seems so shallow and selfish
(and judging by Tom’s surprise to my reaction when he told me our friend’s news just now, it is selfish)
but I need to do what I can
to protect my sanity.

I am on the edge, people!
🙂
Help me out!

And please don’t be offended.
This post isn’t directed at anyone in particular.

For all you lovely ladies
who are already pregnant
this doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about it.

I know this is an exciting time for you
and it reminds me in a good way
of my time with
Malou.

It’s just that I am a little sensitive
to new announcements right now
because I want to be the next one
to make a big announcement
and I know that is not meant to be.

Thank you.

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Published in: on March 18, 2009 at 19:39  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I am sure nobody takes you the “wrong Way” Steph, it is a fact, whenever you want something everyone around you seems to have it. It is amazing that normally this would go unnoticed. I remember the day that Malou died, we were in Oslo and we saw so many baby girls I spent most of the day in tears too. It is a strange awakening. Hugs.

  2. Oh I so understand this post. I totally know what you are talking about. A close friend announced her pregnancy the day after the anniversary of Baby A’s death. I was already a mess and then she says, “now I’m just waiting for you! Come on, be pregnant with me!” Seriously, if it were that easy for me, I think I would be pregnant already…I don’t think anyone can judge us until they have been there and the funny thing is, people who have been there, I get such joy out of their announcements…it’s okay, your human.


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