IVF Results

Negative pregnancy test.

Actually, four negative tests.

One on the ferry
on the way to Berlin
(I don’t recommend
public restrooms
as the place to do this
by the way)

one on Saturday morning
and another on Sunday morning

(you know, just in case)

and finally the blood test
at the hospital on Monday.

I just couldn’t believe it.
I felt so fortunate
to have what felt like the whole world
rooting for us
and I felt really blessed.

Now I am reminded again
that I don’t believe
God bestows blessings or curses.
So why should I expect either?
And, really, why should I be so angry?

Life is what it is
and I am powerless to control it

(YES! I have gotten that message
loud and clear, Universe! You can stop sending it now!)

I felt sad,
a sense of hopelessness,
I wanted to give up
on this whole TTC thing
(still do sometimes),
but most of all
I felt

angry.

I don’t think I have ever been so angry
in my life.

And it was all directed at God.

That’s a new one for me.

I literally wanted to kill myself
solely so I could go
flip off God and grab
Malou
out of his arms.

(my grief = dramatic but honest)

I am still angry, to an extent,
but I am feeling a bit better
as we are making plans for
“next time”

(I will post next week
about our next steps)

Someone kind sent me this,
and it really spoke to me
because it is so honest
and beautiful:

The good minister who spoke at the baby’s funeral service said, ‘Do not be afraid of crying for him, because tears of love are able to heal the wounds of love. Such wounds are not healed by forgetting, but by remembering in such a way that memories are healed. The saints of old were wise when they spoke of tears as a gift, a healing flood to wash clean the soul.’

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes … blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted. But there is no comfort now, there are only the empty arms and the empty cot. How are we to live with this emptiness which will never be filled, the broken promise of a life that never unfolded?

Anger, there is so much anger. Anger for a life denied is a wholesome healing anger. And if part of that is anger at a God who we thought was kind, and who now brutally turns his back, then so be it…

A God we cannot be honest with is no God. If we bow the head and say, Thy will be done, when our heart is aflame with protest, we only increase our own pain. Better to rail, rail on God at the passing into night of this small sweet innocence than to assume unreal acceptance. And then, with small steps, treading the way of sorrows, we may gradually, or perhaps with blinding suddenness, look up from the dark road and see – see that He has been treading the Way with us, holding us when we faltered, giving us the strength to go hesitatingly forward.

Sheila Bovell, 1988

So here I go
hesitatingly forward.

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Published in: on March 18, 2009 at 19:40  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. This is such an honest post, and I love it. You have every right to be angry – who WOULDN’T be? I did have to laugh at little at the part about how the universe can stop sending you messages. 🙂 Well, you will still have the whole world rooting for you again next time. I might be miles away and have never met you, but I can’t wait to hear your big news whenever you have it. I know you will one of these days. Hopefully sooner, right? 🙂

    Thank you so much for sharing that last part – I think I will have to read it again several times. It’s amazing how this whole grief thing keeps coming back. I think I’m healed and happy and then…BAM…I have a bad day/week and I’m in tears again for hours.

  2. The words from Shiela Bovell are really lovely and comforting. Every hestiant step is a step in the right direction. Once again we advance, one small step at a time and remember, I am with you all the way. I hope I give off positive vibes, I am positive. On the other hand I can certainly understand the frustration and anger all mixed up you must be feeling. Remember, you do not have to be strong all the time and I am here for you whenever you need to explode or whatever. Hugs.

  3. I definitely understand your anger, and you do have every right to be angry. Life isn’t fair. Even when I feel like things are good for me, when my life feels happy and stable, I look around at those that I love so much that are being kicked around, you, my aunt, my cousin Nate, and I just want to say life sucks and it is so unfair! It all makes me feel sad and guilty. But I still have faith and hope for those I love, there is good stuff waiting out there for you, I have to believe that. Hang in there, and know that I’m always here for you. Love, Keely.

  4. Tears sprung to my eyes as I read this. No, you don’t know me, and really, I don’t know you (my only connection is through Beth, my sister-in-law). But I will say, that your blog has touched me deeply. You are a beautiful person, made in the image of God–as was Malou–and I want you to know that I’m among those rooting for you! Please don’t let the anger get the best of you. I’m praying that God will heal your heart as you take each step forward and out of the messiness anger and sadness. I wish I knew you in “real” life. I would definitely give you a hug right about now…if you wanted it…=)

  5. I just saw your post on my blog and it made me laugh. I hope my blog posts can be that powerful! I’m 2 for 4 now – maybe you’ll be next! I’m glad to see that you can have a sense of humor right now, because I know how difficult it was for you to read about yet another person getting their wish. I didn’t go through anything like what you are experiencing when we were trying to conceive, but I do remember feeling extremely jealous of my few friends who announced their pregnancy during that time and also of a few stillborn baby mamas who got pregnant again too. I was happy for them, but *I* wanted to be first! I wanted the whole world to get pregnant if they wanted to, but I wanted to be the FIRST to make that special announcement. I imagine that’s how you’re feeling right now. Apparently, it’s a pretty natural feeling. Just know that I’m thinking about you.

    That last post was my sister-in-law, by the way – I don’t know if you know any other Beths. She and I have talked about you several times and how much we’re rooting for you. 🙂

  6. […] Ever since our first IVF didn’t work […]


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