Still waiting…

But
what
really
am I waiting for?

Yes
I am so hopeful
almost desperate
for this IVF treatment
to work

but
I am equally
desperate
to get
Malou
back.

I know this isn’t possible
but it doesn’t stop
my mind from wandering
there.

Simultaneously grieving
and trying to conceive
is really starting
to take it’s toll on me.

It’s so exhausting
both emotionally
as well as physically.

Today
I searched my ‘Sent’
box to see
what kind of pregnancy symptoms
I may have written to my mom
when I found out I was pregnant with
Malou
in November 2007.

Cramping and headaches –

check!

Ah, the hopeful mind
projects…

Searching through these emails
led me to check the last thing
I wrote
before
Malou died.

Evidently
the weather was beautiful
and I couldn’t stay awake past 8 pm.
I did mention
my sadness
about my mom’s coworker
whose husband was killed
in an accident.
I said it was my worst fear
just 2 days before
my actual worst fear
came to be.

I also checked
what I wrote (and did)
on May 26th 2007
a year before the day
Malou
died
and on May 28th 2007
a year before the day
Malou
was born.

Evidently
I suggested baby names
to my cousin Emily, and
peed on a  pregnancy test
too early
thereby getting a negative result, and
complained about people
telling me to
“relax” to get pregnant
(whoa – deja vu!)

I also went for a walk
in a nature reserve,
enjoyed a concert, and
had lunch on the water
with my dear husband.

Oh
and Tom accidentally
ran over our neighbor’s dog
who later died. 😦
Poor thing.

Maybe she’s
Malou’s
pet now.

This leads me to
another random thought.

Am I the only person
who thinks about
what day I’ll die?

As in,
isn’t it strange
that we pass
the date that we will die
every year
(and hopefully
pass by
for many more years
for all of us!)
without knowing it?

I had no idea in May of 2007
that I would
come to see
28 May 2008
written on a headstone
with my daughter’s
name on it.

I wish I never had to see that.

malous-stone-013

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Published in: on March 11, 2009 at 19:38  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. It’s sometimes good to look back a bit and wonder as it is to look forward and wonder what will be. It will be good and we await good news. I continue to pray for you every day. Hugs.

  2. Well…you must be your mother’s daughter. I too have looked back at all the old emails to see what you said in the beginning of pregnancy and also the day before Malou died. I just keep on praying that when you have a new baby (or child) to care for that Malou’s memory will be a more peaceful one for you and not quite so sad.

    Don’t be too impatient. You will be a mom, someday, somehow and however the children arrive to you and Tom, they will be some of the luckiest children ever. They will be so loved.

    Love you..

  3. I can’t imagine how hard this waiting must be for you! I am thinking of you everyday. Love to you, Tom and Malou.

  4. Hey Stephanie! I keep thinking of you and Tom and had to check the blog. I love to read what you write. I’m praying for you both and for Malou and for all your future children. Much love to you…

  5. Well…I just got your email earlier today stating that the results are in – and negative. My heart is breaking for you. I think I already knew, because if the results were positive you would have called me, no matter the time. I took the phone with me everywhere I went – the shower, hot tub etc. Please don’t get too discouraged. You will be a mama again, we just don’t know how and when. :lease don’t let this set-back destroy all the good things you have in your life now. Try to enjoy at least one thing each day.
    I love you…

  6. I couldn’t believe the unlucky news yesterday, Steph. i was praying so hard every day for you (and still am). I think I guessed too as I had not got an sms. Only hope your weekend was still great. Hugs

  7. I came on here to write something, and then I saw the last two comments… Oh Stephanie, I don’t even “know” you, but my heart breaks for you. I know you must be so disappointed. Still, I am so hopeful, and I hope that YOU still have that sense of hope. (Yes, I just used “hope” 3 times in 1 sentence.) 🙂 You know what I mean. You are strong, and you will get through this.

    I came on here just to say that I’ve thought about this post several times over the past week – how today might become a significant day for us in the future and how, every year, we live through the date that will be our death date. I don’t think of it in a morbid sense – it’s just intriguing! Anyway, thanks for that, because I’ve enjoyed thinking about it.


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