Trying to stay positive

It is so hard
to stay positive
and not give in
to the desperate, sad,
scared feelings
I have in this process
of trying to bring
a living, breathing sibling of
into this world.

I need your encouragement.

I need your belief
that this will happen.

I need your faith
that I am going to be a mama
to a child with a beating heart.

I need your reassurance.

And I need you
to know
that even though
trying to conceive
gives me a sense of purpose,
hope and excitement,

I sometimes feel guilty
someone might think
I am forgetting

But I know that’s not true.

My therapist
says it is a healthy sign
that I can concentrate
on things other than
at times.

But I don’t like it.

I still want to think about her
every single second
than just
every single hour.

Oh, sweet girl, I am still so protective of you. I want to hold you close and the only way I know how is to keep you close in my heart and my mind. You are always there and you always will be, my perfect daughter. Your daddy and I love you so much and we can’t wait to see you again. 

Published in: on February 25, 2009 at 17:50  Comments (5)  
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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. We are here.
    I am so so sorry that this is the new normal. The new life without our babies and that we have to navigate it with no map, no guide to tell us what to do…or let others know what to do for us either.

    Praying that God will give us hope, restored hope, in His plans for our lives and for our babies’ lives; and that we will not lose heart but continue down the path to reach Heaven, to be reunited with our precious babies.

    Thinking of you today. I hope today is sweet and gentle, full of the hope and comfort of our Father.

  2. I look forward to Wednesdays and reading your updates. 🙂 I definitely believe that you will get pregnant, and I’m so sorry you have to play the waiting game for so many months. I just can’t wait to celebrate with you when you finally get your big news! 🙂

    I understand the feelings of guilt for trying again. I read something about losing your first baby that said something like, “You not only lost your child, but you lost your parenthood.” You’re just still trying to be a parent. It doesn’t mean that you love Malou any less, but you want to be a parent to all of your children – Malou and your future children. Now that I’m pregnant again I am excited, but I still miss Ada just as much. My grief hasn’t diminished in any way, but I now have hope along with it because I am going to be a parent again. The process of trying again can be so frustrating, but it can also bring you hope. I believe that you WILL have another baby to love like you love Malou, and that baby will be so lucky. 🙂

  3. My dear sweet, compassionate daughter – no one will EVER feel that you are forgetting Malou. She is going to always be a part of who you are now, and who you beome in the future. Even if your brain doesn’t think of her every moment in the years to come, she IS with you in your body and your soul. Just because she isn’t alive and here on earth with us – she has left just as big of an imprint on you, Tom, myself and others as if she was living. And I KNOW that I will be a better grandma to my future grandchildren because of my first little angel Malou Amelia. I love you…

  4. We will never forget Malou Amelia. She will always be a part of your/our lives. Even when we have a living child and are trying for another we never push the first into the background. Our love focuses differently but never diminishes. I pray that this new approach works quickly – it sounds promising. Always remember my thoughts are with you and I look forward to hearing your updates. It is great you can tell what you need. I am sure this is a big step. Hugs

  5. Thank you for your comments, everyone! It means so much to me to come here and read these kind and encouraging thoughts.

    Mom, I like what you said about being a better grandma because of Malou Amelia. I am sure Tom and I will be better parents. I love you too.

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