One sad day…

I have been doing pretty good
for the most part
lately.

But this weekend
I was sad.

Not in a horrible,
can’t get off the couch
sort of way
but just with a
subdued sad acceptance
where my heart
felt gently bruised
rather than the painful aching
I normally feel when sad.

(on a normal “non-sad” day
my heart just feels a little heavy
with some occasional jolts
of sadness —
who knew the heart
had so many sensations?)

Normally
when I am sad
I tend to withdraw
and want to cry alone
or at
Malou’s
grave.

But on Saturday
I woke up crying
and Tom heard
and cuddled into me.

We spent the morning
in bed
talking about
Malou.

It was sad
but lovely.

We talked about
how different
our lives would be
if she were here.

How she would be —
no, should be —
about 6 months old now

and as we lay in each other’s arms
crying
Tom said
Malou
should be right here
next to us
in bed
and I swear
I could almost feel her.

Our lives have changed
so very much
in such a short time.

I know that happens
to so many people
around the world
where in the blink of an eye
their whole world
changes,
whether for the better
or the worst.

I am not special
or unique
in feeling this way.

But my God

Our lives would be
so much better with
Malou.

Her death
set into motion
a series of events that,
although not terrible
by any means,
are just different
and not what we have planned,
worked for, or wanted.

We are creating
a new normal
and it is hard.

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Published in: on February 25, 2009 at 17:18  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. I think it is great to lie in each others arms and think of “what might have been” This is a special relationship between you two and it keeps getting stronger. Only good. We all “dream” sometimes about the “what If” (we won lotto or something) and it is healthy. I think it helps us to take stock and REALLY think. Soon it will be time to dream of your life with Malou’s sibling then you will be dreaming about the two of them etc. It is healthy and normal. Remember always Steph, we love you and only want the best for you and you have the best husband right at your side. Everything else will eventually fall into place. Hugs.


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