Jealousy

(warning: what follows is grief at its ugliest –
read at your own risk)

Grief sucks.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned that before.

It’s boring
It’s exhausting
It’s debilitating

And I hate it.

I want my baby with me
RIGHT NOW

(note to reader: to be read in a loud scream)

I want to be able to
get pregnant
with no trouble

And, selfishly, jealously,
I don’t want anyone else
to get pregnant
before I do

I know 10 people
who have gotten pregnant
since I lost
Malou
(8 months ago today)

That is
more than
one per month.

I feel like they are
stealing my chances

How stupid is that?

But I just don’t get it.

I feel like it is my turn.

When will it be my turn?

Will it ever be my turn?

We have been trying to conceive
for two years now.

Granted
Malou
was born in that time
so you can’t count 7 months

but I have been actively trying to conceive
for 17 months
4 of those months with Clomid
(so, follow me and my crazy mind here,
that is 17 months + approximately 17 extra eggs
produced by the Clomid
which equals 34 months of “tries”)

Maybe that’s not much
I don’t know
I just know it is a hell of a lot longer
than most other people I know.

I’m just feeling sorry for myself again.
I swear I don’t do this all the time
(although more than I wish).

I just don’t know how much
longer I can take it.

Every month
hopeful for 2 weeks
horrible crashing grief for one week
and ambivalence for one week
where I am not sure I can continue
on this cycle of TTC
and consider just giving up
being content with what I have
even though I don’t have her
in the way that I imagined.

I am so angry at my body
I truly feel like it betrayed
me and
Malou

and I hate that
I can’t do one thing
about it

What a lesson
in control
and love
and compassion
I have been given

Enough already?! OK??

I am not ready for any more
tough lessons.

So, to all you
lucky pregnant ladies
friends and family alike
I am happy for you,
really, I am,
and wish you nothing but the best
and I hope you never experience
this hell that I experience

and please
send some baby dust
my way, ok? 🙂

(read on for more on that…)

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Published in: on January 28, 2009 at 14:24  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I want to say that I know what you mean, but I haven’t been in your shoes so I don’t fully know what you mean. I did have the exact same thoughts that I didn’t want anybody else to get pregnant before me and I would get jealous when I found out that friends of mine were pregnant while I was still trying. I was happy for them, yes, but secretly I was jealous. I think that’s natural and I think you have every right to be upset – about the fact that it’s taking so long AND that you don’t have Malou with you in the first place.

    When I was in the hospital one of the ladies from the lab told me that she had a stillborn baby (maybe 6 months?) and then she went on to have twins and she lost one them at 2 months and the other at 8 months. Finally, she went on to have a healthy daughter. She had tears in her eyes and she told me to never give up because in the end it is worth the heartache. That story helped me on some of my bad days – I hope it helps you a little, too.

  2. Thanks, Beth, for understanding, especially since you are one of those pregnant people I am jealous of 🙂 but still so happy for – and I hope/trust/pray that everything goes well for you.

  3. I can imagine it is the hardest thing in the world and the “old green eyed monster” lifts is’s head and makes us have thoughts we do not want to have. But, once again, this is SOO normal, I am sure. You must be positive and your turn WILL come and yo are on the way. I feel it will be very soon and I pray for you. I will sing Kum-ba-yah all day. I promise. I am home cleaning so a song is a great idea. Love you Steph.


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