Up and Down

The earlier posts today
(below)
were all written just
a few hours ago
and I was feeling
relatively optimistic
and ‘happy’
(there really should be a separate word
to describe
happiness
for people who are grieving–
I mean,
it’s there
but it’s different)

Amazing how just a few hours
can make such a difference.

I honestly can’t stand this.
I am not sure how much more I can take.

I can’t seem to handle anything.

I tried to do some Danish homework
and became so quickly frustrated
and my mind totally blocked
and I started to feel the familiar
self-loathing
that is all too often
a precursor to a “grief session”
where I cry my eyes out
for a half hour or so.

I hate this.

I pinch myself
bite my finger
anything to feel some sort of pain
to distract me
from the worst pain in my heart.

I scream into a pillow
pound the wall
and beg God not to make it true.

I imagine stabbing
a pair of scissors
into my heart
(dramatic, yes, but also true).

I was fine earlier today.

I  just don’t understand.

I think
deep down
I must have a lot of guilt
because otherwise
I can’t explain
why when I am saddest
I seem to hate myself.

I probably wouldn’t be this honest
if I didn’t think
it was important
that people see how horrible Grief is
and that it has moments like these.

Fortunately (unfortunately?)
I have enough experience now
to know
that “this too shall pass”
and eventually the tears
just run out…
and the heavy, aching, dark feeling
in my heart
disappears
and is replaced again
with something akin to
peace. But not quite.

I am not quite there yet.

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Published in: on January 21, 2009 at 20:17  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. That’s how this grief goes. One minute you are fine, the next you aren’t. One minute you can conquer the world, the next you can’t get a staple off a sheet of paper and burst into tears. It’s all normal but you feel like you are going crazy. I know, it sucks. The guilt is the hardest for me to deal with. I feel like I had one job, to get my boys safely to 9 months and I failed. Not the doctors, not my husband but me, I failed. It’s been close to 10 months since I lost them and I can tell you, until the day that I die, I will have guilt about losing them. It’s just called being a mother. It’s not rational and it’s not fair and it’s not right but it just how I feel. Don’t be too hard on yourself, this is grief.

  2. My heart just aches for you and I so wish I could take away some of your pain. It does seem that almost everything I have read about mothers losing their babies is that they feel some guilt. Even if, like you, they have done everything in their power for a safe pregnancy. I pray for the day you do remember Malou with more love than grief.

    You are amazing and so strong, you just may not know how strong you are….love you

  3. Hi mom. Thanks for your comment. I think you understand as much as is humanly possible without actually going through this particular situation yourself.

    And thank you, Martha, for posting so quickly and making me not regret that post, but instead feel understood. I especially liked this comment of yours, “One minute you can conquer the world, the next you can’t get a staple off a sheet of paper and burst into tears.” It is sad, but true, and made me laugh.

  4. Just wanted to share a sermon that I just listened to with you. Here is the link:

    http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/rebels-guide-to-joy/the-rebels-guide-to-joy-in-suffering

    The pastor leads Seattle’s largest church and his teaching is understandable, deep and most importantly biblical.

    From what I read of your posts one of the main themes is “searching”. Trying to understand and make sense of tragedy. If you get a chance this sermon might help….

    Praying for you….

  5. I just found your blog on babyloss directory. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I don’t feel so alone to find others who are also dealing with the loss of children.

    peace- emily

    steppingstonesblog.blogspot.com

  6. Nodding my head in agreement tonight. I’m so sorry.

    Grief makes my life, my sense of self, so unpredictable and 14 months later, I still don’t understand it.

    I’m sorry.

  7. I am one extremely lucky person who has not yet had to go through such grief but from other friends and acquaintences I feel you are “perfectly normal” I am sure it is the hardest thing to go through and we must believe that we are put through certain things, both good and bad, in life to make us the people we are. If I could take sosme of the pain for you, I would gladly take it but all I can do is be here for you whenever you need me. You are a beautiful strong girl and we love you and you will always remember Malou with love as I do too. Hugs.


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