Back to work

After 6 weeks off
Tom and I
went back to work
on Monday.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought.
I was a bit consumed with thoughts of
“what should have been”
in the days prior,
as in
I should not be going to work
but instead battling jet lag
with a 5 month old
and enjoying our time together.

I have idyllic visions
of me and
Malou
playing together,
going for walks together,
meeting my other mom friends here,
(who were having babies at the same time)
and of course keeping the house clean
and having yummy dinners prepared
each night
for Tom to come home to.

He and I’d play with
Malou
and eat a good dinner
have a glass of wine
and just be
grateful
for our life.

I know, I know,
it wouldn’t all be perfect.

But it would be better.

Life would just be better
for all of us
I think
– for the world –
if
Malou
were still here.

*Deep breath*

Shake myself out of these thoughts
because they do me no good at all.

I can’t change the past
I can’t bring
Malou
back
so I better make the best
of what life I do have now.

So with that in thought
I walked to work
this morning
in below freezing temps
below a beautiful starry sky
(yes, I go to work early–
the sun doesn’t come up until after I have been
working for 2 hours)

and it was nice.

Nice to have a distraction.

Nice to see my colleagues again.

I sorted through
hundreds of emails
and managed to come across a folder
I had saved
with all the messages I received after
Malou
died.

I came across these words

– a group email sent to my department
by a man whose wife was expecting at the time
and who just yesterday announced
in a happier group email
that his healthy daughter was delivered safe and sound-
*ah, the jealousy*

It is with great sadness that I can inform you that Stephanie yesterday lost her unborn child.
 
Our thoughts are with Stephanie, her husband and their families through these trying times.

That hurt.
Just seeing those words again
(I have only read them once before
but I can’t seem to delete
anything that relates in any way to
Malou
because there is so little sign
that she was ever here
and I am greedy for anything).

It’s amazing
how quickly
I can go back to that space.

The horrible
agonizing
disbelieving
shocking
space.

I don’t know how I made it this far
but I did.

I hope it just gets better, easier,
with time
and although that is true, I think,
to an extent
sometimes, I know,
the grief just comes back
in full force.

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Published in: on January 7, 2009 at 07:33  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. It is good to have you back home after a lovely holiday with your family and friends. Yes it is beautiful these mornings, I watch the sunrise too and with the snow on the ground again this morning it is so fresh and clean before we all tramp and drive through it. Being back with your work mates is also good and don’t forget to fit a bit of work in too 🙂 Seeing things that remind you of Malou will always make you sad, this is natural because you are a loving mum and a human. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to show it. We are looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Remember we love you. Hugs.


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