Hope and Anger

Hope and Anger.

That is the roller coaster I am on.

I hate it
(hello, Anger).

I hate it so much
that at times
it makes me want to
give up
on getting pregnant.

Just be content with what I have.

Malou.

I just wish I had
more than memories.

I am desperate
to know
what she would look like
now.

In so many ways
that I won’t get into here
my body
was giving me signals
so that I thought I was pregnant.

And on Saturday night
our last in Mexico
Tom and I went out
to a delicious dinner
at a restaurant
right on the beach
(our toes were in the sand).

But we had to cut it short
when I got another
kidney? gallbladder?
attack.

This is the same thing
I had the night before
Malou
died
so it is connected in my mind
to losing my sweet girl.

There was no way in hell
I was going to take the medicine
I took when pregnant with
Malou
if I was pregnant now
so we came back to the hotel
and I took a pregnancy test.

Definitely negative.

So on the bright side
I was able to take
the medicine
that normally works
so well to stop an attack.

It gave me enough of a respite
to cry myself to sleep
hating my body
for betraying me
yet again
and telling me I wasn’t pregnant
in this way.

These attacks
are taking on a life of their own.

I blame them for
Malou’s
death
and now I blame them
for not getting pregnant.

And in the cruel way
the world seems to work
sometimes
the medicine didn’t even work
like it normally does.

I was able to sleep from 9-12.30 am
and then I awoke to increasingly bad pain.

At 1:30 am
it got so bad that I started throwing up
and couldn’t sit still.

Tom had to stay awake with me until around 5 am
rubbing my back
which gives slight relief
to the pain in my stomach.

I threw up until there was nothing left
and then started dry heaving.

This pain is seriously worse than
labor.

I feel like I have gone through labor
about 15 times in the last 2 years
with only 1 delivery
and with 0 live babies.

Why, hello, Anger
there you are again.

Despite that
my friend Hope
appeared on Monday
when I didn’t get my period.

It strung me out the entire day
until right before going to bed,
because sadness is such a nice
sleeping aid.

(hmmm…seems I have a friend in Sarcasm too).

I still have a package of
Clomid
to take so that we can have
IUI
when we return to Denmark.

But unfortunately
I think we will arrive too late
so we will miss another cycle.

At this point
I am not sure I care.

Ok, I do.

I just desperately wish
Malou
were here
and I wasn’t living this life.

Please pray we get pregnant soon
and
please don’t tell me to relax!

🙂

I am doing my best.

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Published in: on December 25, 2008 at 00:23  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and Malou this Christmas. I’m so sorry that she is not with you and that you don’t have a baby on the way. I have hope though – lots of hope. I cannot wait to celebrate with you when the day of your positive pregnancy test comes! Merry Christmas!

  2. Hi Steph, So sorry to hear about the attack that ruined your lovely last dinner on holidays. This is a real concern and I think I understand how you must be feeling – sooo frustrated and angry and disappointed. On the brighter side, we visited Malou yesterday and her grave is so pretty with the 2-tone green and plants. Of course we lit a candle and had a chat to her. Hope you can still enjoy time with your family, the best place for you right now. We look forward to see you very soon. Hugs.

  3. i’m sorry love. didn’t happen for us either. but, it will… for all of us. malou is with you, encouraging you to keep trying. we’re all thinking of you and missing you. be safe and give tom our love.
    i love you.


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