Holidays

It’s almost time to leave.

6 weeks off of work.

I feel very fortunate.
And people keep saying,
“Wow, how great!
6 weeks of vacation!
I wish I had that!
You’re so lucky!”

And I want to tell them
they could be so “lucky” too
if only they bought plane tickets
7 days before
their daughter died
and then couldn’t change them
and decided 6 weeks was too long to be in Washington
(no offense)
without their lovely daughter
to show off to all sorts of family and friends
and so out of desperation
came up with a new plan.

New
but definitely not improved.

Yes,
this truly is a
“consolation trip”
but that’s not to say I’m not grateful
we can do it,
because I am so looking forward to it.

It’s just saying
that I wish I was
introducing
Malou
to her grandpa, uncles, aunties, cousins, friends
and her country
for the first time
feeling truly
thankful
at Thanksgiving
that God blessed us with our
daughter
and feeling truly
blessed
at Christmas
that we could share it with our
daughter.

(For the record, God,
I still feel blessed,
just not the way I planned.
I’m glad we got
Malou
and I wouldn’t change her for any other baby
in the world,
even a living one)
Instead
we’re going to
the Yucatan Peninsula
and back to my old stomping ground
(I’ve always wanted to say that)
Belize
and I know we’re going to have a
fabulous time.
But I’d give it all up
in a heartbeat
to get
Malou
back.

Heck, I’d give it all up
in a heartbeat
to get
just one more day with
Malou.

Oh, God, what I wouldn’t do to be able to hold
Malou Amelia
in my arms
again
and touch her soft skin
and inhale her
beautiful scent.

This time
I wouldn’t be afraid
of hurting her
(how silly was that?)
and I would caress
every inch
of her precious body.

I would memorize it.

Ah, memories…

I wish we still needed
the bassinet seat
in the airplane.

I remember calling
the airline
in May
asking if we could order
Malou’s
seat
(even though we hadn’t officially decided on a name :).

They said I should wait
until she was born.

I thought they were crazy.
I mean, it’s not like we wouldn’t take her with us.
What did they know
that I didn’t?

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Published in: on November 19, 2008 at 15:55  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Your holiday will be different and of course you will have some sad moments but, as you say, you do have a lot to be thankful for and you will be in the best place, with your family. Have a great holiday with good health for both of you and we look forward to updates. Hugs.

  2. I hope that you manage to enjoy this holiday for what it is. Our anniversary is Dec. 28 and we always take a big trip, but this year we took it very early in April since we thought there would be a tiny baby in December. Well, now we’ve decided to take a trip to Costa Rica. You and I probably have similar feelings about our vacations that we’re so “lucky” to have.

    That is interesting that the airline told you to wait…how sad. You had no idea that you would never have to call them back. I’m so sorry. 😦


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