Go away, Grief…

Another difficult week
(although made much better
by the election of our new president.)

Why after hitting the 5-month mark
has it become so much harder?

I don’t really understand anything about

But I am really pissed off at it.

Lately, I have realized that
I am angry
for a good part of my every waking hour.

I am not angry at
in particular
although I take it out on anyone convenient.
I need to try to take it out on
instead of others.

But I am filled with rage
and have such a low boiling point
with people
(including myself)
that I find that even the most simple of my resolutions

And I know I need to do something about this.

How can I let
the most beautiful little creation ever
– Malou –
ever bring out anything but
the best in me?

I know that
but I don’t live it.

I don’t know how to live that way.

I want to create a legacy of love and joy
to honor
Malou Amelia
but I feel so
in my grief
that I am instead creating a legacy
of loss and sadness.

I am afraid that
years from now
I will look back at this time in my life
and be full of regret.

If I continue to waste my time
by doing things I am not interested in,
not doing things I am interested in,
feeling sorry for myself,
hating myself
for my inability to move forward,
then I know this will be true.

I wonder,

How can I miss what I never had?
How can I let that longing destroy me?

I don’t want to let it.
But I have to admit
I don’t feel strong enough
to stop it.

I want to experience
true joy
in my life again.
But to be honest
it seems impossible.
It seems like my life will always hold
the shadow of sadness
that envelopes me now.

Any advice out there?
I’m listening.

All I can think of is:

Go to my psychologist (once a week now)
Write in my journal when I am feeling down
Get outside every day
Plan some unique, fun activity at least once a month, but preferably more
Get a hobby
Get pregnant and have a healthy baby

I am doing
Good on #1 and 2
OK on # 3
Poorly on #4 and 5
# 6 is still in the works
(the next IUI is probably this weekend-
I will update this blog tomorrow
once I find out the date and time).

Published in: on November 5, 2008 at 18:34  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Stephanie I feel you ARE making a Legacy of Love for Malou. Of course it is laced with sadness and loss as well. I think it is just hard to separate the two emotions right now. It is still too soon for you to let go of the intense grief of losing her. But you have showed all of us the great love you have for her and the great joy she did bring you. My hope is that someday – when you have another child to love – that THEN you will be able to remember her with joy.

    Okay, three out of six isn’t a terrible record. I am positive that when you are ready you will be able to find either a hobby or maybe a volunteer job helping others to bring you out of some of your misery. Nothing is quick or easy in the road of grief. One day at a time.

    I just know that you have created a wonderful place here writing in this “journal” and inviting everyone to view. You have a gift and it might be that sometime, somewhere or somehow, you will be able to help others who are going through similar loss and grief.

    Don’t regret anything – you are on a journey and I know you are doing the very best that you can. Please don’t be too hard on the ones who love you the most.

    Love you and many more prayers are coming your way for the upcoming weekend. Mom

  2. Stephanie, you must not be cross with yourself. I am sure your therapist tells you this is perfectly normal. We all ask, “what is normal” many times in our life and it is different for us all. Take is easy. Enjoy the keepsakes and photos you have from Malou. They are very special and you both have made a beautiful legacy full of love. We can all see how much you loved Malou Amelia and you always will. Your love will grow when it’s time for your next baby and your sadness and pain will slowly diminish. It will never go away. She was your baby girl. But you will remember the good times with her and maybe some funny times while you were pregnant later on. For now, just be yourself and let the emotions come out. We love you no matter what. A new president is a new beginning, maybe this weekend for you too. Good luck. I pray for you every day. Big hugs.

  3. Wow, I never thought of it this way. I have been dealing with anger lately…lashing out at others who don’t deserve it. I agree with you – I want my experience with my daughter to bring out nothing but the best in me. That can be a challenge to us both.

    At the same time though, you and I both know about the stages of grief and that our feelings are perfectly natural. We WILL always be sad when we think of our daughters. We will never be the same people again. Losing a child changes you forever. But like my counselor and I talked about yesterday, I am trying to see how this can change me in a positive way. Maybe.

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