The results are in…

But unfortunately not what we wanted to hear.

Negative on the pregnancy test.

I was *sure* it would work.
I thought we only needed this little extra boost
(and I ate an entire pineapple over
a 4 day period
to help with implantation –
I don’t even like pineapple).

It has been a hard week.
One of my stillborn-mama-friends
who lost her beloved first child
a daughter
only 5 days before
was born
wrote me this:

” I think mixed in with my grief for my daughter was a lot of feeling of loss of having a family and that maybe I wouldn’t get to have one. So now to know that I might takes part of that away and now the loss is just her – which is still huge, but at least not as compounded.”

I think that’s true.

I am so afraid that it just won’t happen for us.
And I don’t know how I could bear that.

And in the funny way the universe works
at the same time I was finding out that
 I am not pregnant
I found out that
not one but two
of my fellow stillborn-baby-mamas
are expecting.

This is totally
but it unfortunately makes me feel even sorrier for myself
(not my best trait).

One of the women
also had an IUI
4 days before me
same clinic
same doctor
same fertility issue.
And it worked!
This should give me so much hope.
And it does.
It just also makes me so envious.

I know a pregnancy
won’t magically make everything get better.

But it will give me hope for the future.

And I really need hope.

So one more IUI chance before our
holiday in the US, Mexico and Belize.

Let’s *hope* this one does the trick
because I don’t know how much longer
I can last
without hope.

Despite this time not being successful
I really am so thankful
to all of you
for your good thoughts and prayers.
Keep them coming!

Published in: on October 29, 2008 at 18:21  Comments (11)  
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11 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I heard the news from your mom today Stephanie. I am sad that your test was negative. Keep thinking good thoughts. Easier said than done some days, I know. I can hardly wait for you to hear that you and Tom are expecting! It will happen… will happen… will happen… will happen……



  2. I am so sorry, honey. I don’t understand why life is so hard…especially for those who are so full of love and so willing to give it. I am thinking of you all the time. I wish I had the words that could make you feel even the tiniest bit better. I am so sorry that we didn’t get to meet Malou, and if it helps at all, I think about her a lot. Stephanie and Tom’s first daughter is Malou, and always will be. I love you, and I want the best for you. Know that I am praying for you.

  3. I’m sorry. Maybe this next month will be lucky for both of us. I totally agree with your friend – right now I am mourning the loss of both Ada and my parenthood. I can get one of those two things back though.

    It’s hard to not feel envious. It’s like you want for everybody else to get pregnant, but not before you! I feel that way too, I’m ashamed to admit. I think it’s natural.

    Are you by any chance coming to Florida during your trip to the US? You can email me.

  4. Oh my poor poor Stephanie. If I could only take away a little of the pain for you…. I feel so sad that my strong, spirited, confident, and optimistic daughter has lost her hope. Please don’t give up yet. I do believe God will grant you a child someway, sometime. We just don’t know what that plan is yet. (of course I am praying the plan will be showing up soon-maybe December?) You ARE a mother already and you have shown the magnitude of your love to Malou with all you have done in her memory. PLEASE do not EVER think that ANYONE in our family is going to forget Malou. As long as you, Tom, your brothers, in-laws, cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, myself and your dad are alive, she WILL be in our memories, every single day. And with our memory quilt, she will be a part of the family history forever. I know that in talking to anyone who has heard your story or watched your video that they too will not forget. You have given Malou such a legacy. No one could ever love a child any more than you love her. You are correct in that your life will never be the same or as happy and carefree as before, but you do have the ability to make a different life that will also be happy. You are blessed to have Tom, many friends and a huge family that love and support you sooooo much.
    (Okay, as you know, writing here in this public place is way out of my comfort zone) I just could not stay quiet as my heart is hurting, just as your heart is hurting. After all, I love our “sweet baby girl” and my first grandchild – all the way to Heaven and back.
    Be strong – love mom

  5. Hey Steph, I am filled with grief for you and Tom, but it is exceptionally minute in comparison to the optimism I hold for you. The only thing this negative test result does is delay what I believe to be the inevitable.

    You and Tom are too good of people and parents for God to pass you up.

    My thoughts and prayers will continue onward for you. And as mom said above, I will never forget my first little niece!

    Love you sis- Zach

  6. So sad for you Steph (& Tom) with the negative test. I can only imagine how disappointed you must be feeling. BUT, as your mom said, we do not know God’s plan yet, but we do know He has one and you both will be parents again soon. You are parents, Malou’s parents and you always will be. Malou knows how much you both and we all loved her. All the things you have done for her,and that beautiful DVD, are amazing. This little wait is here for a reason, maybe so you and Tom still have special times together and with Maloun – time to relax and re-focus. I continue to pray for you both. Hugs.

  7. Thank you all for your comments (and a special thanks to mom for getting the courage to post! :). It really means a lot to me, and gives me something to look forward to.
    I am feeling better today…I started on the hormones (Clomid)again to produce more eggs…and it will probably be next weekend that we get the IUI. I will update this blog to let you know the date and time.

  8. Hi Stephanie,
    I don’t have words to say that would be eloquent enough to heal your heart or ease your pain. I know the only thing we really can do is pray for you and your hubby. God will work through the prayers of His people. I trust in that. I pray that Jesus will be your strength during this time where human strength alone is not enough.

    I also wanted to share this blog with you. I don’t know how I ran across it but I did, (and since I don’t believe in coincidence I decided that maybe I’m supposed to share it with you…) and I am pretty sure this gal even goes to our church here in Nashville, but we haven’t met yet; we’ve only been going a month or so.

    So here is the link to a specific post she did on pregnancy and infant remembrance day.

    There have been over 2000 comments for this one post; women sharing their heartbreak and pain. The author of this blog found out in her pregnancy that her daughter would not be able to live.

    I pray that maybe some of her words may heal the ache in your soul. I think a lot of people picture God as some sort of detached entity up in heaven looking down on us but that is not the God I know. I know a God that is intimately involved in our lives. A God that reaches out to us through the love of others and a God that calls out to us from His Word. I will be praying that you feel Him and His Love and see Him at work in your life. You aren’t alone – I feel so much love in the comments left by your friends and family…it’s hard to imagine that as immense as that love seems it is nothing compared to how much you are loved by our Heavenly Father.

    Love and prayers,

  9. Hi Willow,

    Thanks for your message and the link. I have read the blog you mentioned…I too came across it almost by accident right after Malou died. They have a really powerful video on youtube as well. That would be very interesting if they went to your church! You should be sure to say hello. 🙂

    I think I felt God in a very detached way for about a month or two after Malou died…but since then, I have really been blessed to feel Malou Amelia’s presence, and that is definitely proof enough of God for me. I truly feel she is taken care of. I just wish I could have had the chance to care for her longer than 7 months.

    By the way, your comment didn’t appear until now because I am still figuring out this blogging thing and for some reason your message came up as needing me to approve it (which I didn’t see until now).

  10. I am sorry to hear the news…it is always so difficult to know that one more month has gone by. But keep your head and your spirits up, because you will have your sweet little baby one day, and you will love that child more than you could imagine! I will continue to pray and send my hugs to you!

  11. […] It didn’t work. […]

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