We didn’t have the easiest time conceiving
Malou.
Doctors told us our chances were low.
One interesting (read: depressing) graph showed our chances at 25%…
…if we tried for 9 years.
Struggling to get pregnant takes many by surprise.
I can’t say it took us by surprise, but it was still, is still,
a constant worry.
It’s hard to let go and trust it will all work out.
I want a crystal ball to see the future
(that reminds me to ask my midwife who moonlights as a fortune teller –
she thinks we’re going to have another girl) –
if I knew we were to be blessed with even one healthy baby,
I could rest easier.
But the unknown is difficult. It makes hope scary.
It feels like the more I hope, the more I am setting myself up for disappointment. Although in reality, I know I will be devastated no matter what, if we do not conceive. And then I will just have to move on, look forward, and hope for another chance.
One thing I have learned from
Malou
that makes me more hopeful than fearful
is how wonderful
love
is.
For example,
if
(please, God, when)
we get pregnant again,
we won’t love the new baby any less,
or try to form less attachment,
until we’re “sure” he or she is meant to stay.
Because grief isn’t worse because you loved someone.
In fact, it’s better.
Thank God we loved
Malou
so much, so powerfully,
because now we can still feel that connection.
And we are comforted in knowing that all
Malou
ever knew was love.
We didn’t hold back.
And we won’t hold back.
So today at approximately 10:37 am local time,
(warning: there may be too much information ahead for some of you)
I laid back and *hopefully* conceived in one of the strangest circumstances ever:
on a table, holding Tom’s hand, in one of Metallica’s band member’s former home.
Thanks to Clomid (for me)
3 eggs.
Thanks to lots of vitamins (for Tom)
12 million good swimmers.
(that’s 5 million more than last year, what a guy!
he improves with age)
We’ll take what we can get…although I have to say,
Triplets would take some getting used to.
Buy we’re extremely
hopeful
and
ready.
Armed with all your prayers,
an intense session of acupuncture,
and my special collection of good luck charms
consisting of
Tom’s amazon stone
Hank’s travel rosary
Grandma O’s ring
Dad’s casino chips
A friend’s guardian angel medallion
4 necklaces that I received to remember Malou
(yes, I wore them all)
I think we’re in good shape.
Stay tuned…
Two Wednesdays from now
the results will be in.
A Lifetime of Love 
Stephanie, You have such a beautiful spirit! This spirit will carry you through the sad days and into more joyful ones ahead. Speaking of which, Happy Insemination Day! May your eggs and swimmers make love connections! We will be lighting a candle for you tonight. Best wishes and love to you our dear friends.
P.S. Something you wrote touched me and I will remember it forever. “Because grief isn’t worse because you loved someone. In fact, it’s better.”
Oooh, good luck! I look forward to hearing your good news whenever it comes along. We just tried again this weekend too – I’ve got that dreadful 2 week wait ahead of me as well.
I totally agree with what you said about loving the baby. My husband did hold back a little bit for the first few weeks I was pregnant because we knew that miscarriages are pretty common. Eventually he got more attached. After we lost her, he said that he is never going to hold back like that again. He wants to show love to the baby from the very beginning.
I stayed up to 1:45 AM my time just so I could say a prayer while you were inseminating! I also shadowed a midwife today at clinical and she expressed full confidence in your attempts and said she would send her thoughts your way.
My beloved best friend, there is not a doubt in my mind that you and Tom will have a beautiful and healthy baby of your own one day. I just know it deep down that you will be a mom.
I love you very much and miss you.
May God bless you and Tom, and those three little eggs!!! Good luck to the other women on this blog who are trying to conceive. I will put you in my prayers.
And to the 12 million….latch on boys!!! 🙂
I’m saying prayers that 1, 2, or 3 (gasp!) little lives have been created. Best wishes Steph & Tom!
Steph, I want to thank you for your courage to share your love and grief and hopes with all of us. Your words are beautifull and moves me like I know they will move others too. I will be following your wednesday-thoughts and at the same time use this site to remember my beloved brother who actually also passed away on a wednesday.
I will “hold my thumbs for you” as they say in Sweden and hope for great news in two weeks time…
P.S. Wow, Triplets? I want fertility treatment too 😉
Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone.
I am still feeling pretty darn hopeful today. I am resisting the urge to take a pregnancy test every day for the next two weeks, because I know it won’t show anything for at least 10 days, but still…
Anette, I’m glad to use this space to remember your brother Carsten too.
Steph, You are amazing. Such courage to share your inner most thoughts and “happenings” with us. You have a wonderful way with words and I feel everything you say. I will say prayers for you and Tom that a healthy baby or 2 or 3??! are on the way. I know you will be fantastic parents when the time is right. We look forward to Wednesdays now. Hugs from us.
3 eggs and 12 million swimmers! Fantastic! My prayers are with you. I am so proud of your strength and your ability to love. You are a great mama. All my love to you and Tom!
Steph,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot over the last few days and sending good thoughts and prayers your way. I am so proud of you for sharing all of this with the rest of us. I’ll be anxious to hear the results in just a few weeks. It’s good hearing about Malou and all your thoughts about her too. She is always in my prayers too. I love you lots. Give my love to Tom too.
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