“Yes, it can.”
Talking about my marriage.
“Don’t tell me it’s for the best,
because the best would be my healthy daughter alive with me.
Don’t tell me I am strong,
because I have no choice.
Don’t tell me I can have another,
because I want this one.
And because you don’t know if I can.
Don’t tell me time heals all pain,
because time has no meaning.
And you’ve never felt this pain.”
I don’t know if I wrote this or found this somewhere. But it still sums up how I feel. Shallow words of condolence always come from a place of good intentions, but they can only come from someone who hasn’t experienced true loss. Because anyone who has would never say any of the above statements. All I ever wanted was for people to acknowledge Malou – that she lived, even if she died.
(later)
“I miss you so much, baby. I love you so much. I think about you all the time. I can’t bear to think of my future without you. All I can do is get through one day. I can’t look forward because you’re not there. I just want to look back.”
Much later, I read something that comforted me and gave me the courage to look forward. And it was imagining that once I die, I will see Malou again. So in that way, I can look forward to the future – because only by living (and eventually dying in the future), will I be reunited with her. I realize this thinking doesn’t work for someone who doesn’t believe in the afterlife, and I also realize that it can sound very disturbing to someone who has never lost someone so much that they wanted to die to be with them. But it helped me – to imagine that Malou isn’t just in the past, but also in my future.
THANK you so much for sharing these, I love reading your honesty and rawness. It’s amazing what you’ve been through……..hugs.
These last 10 entries are all so honestly written, as you always write. It is very interesting re-reading and seeing how you have progressed. There are so many platitudes used in life. I agree with you 100%, only those who have been in this exact position can even halfway understand what you have been/are going through. I know, I for one, loved Malou so much and still think of and acknowledge her quite often. Especially when I see the beautiful dragonflies that come visit me in the back garden sometimes. They are so amazing and their colours so beautiful. I always talk to Malou when they visit.
My love, as always to you all.
Carolyn