“Another breakdown last night…Tom had to drive me to the cemetery to calm me down. Today is a tiny bit better. I just feel sad. Lethargic, listless, and sad…that is pretty much me lately. I keep having bad dreams. I wake up sad and don’t want to get up but I do. Just don’t do much. Can’t eat until lunchtime or later.”
I remember my days were spent alone, while Tom was at work, and I liked it that way. I didn’t want to go out or do anything. I didn’t want to get up, get dressed, shower, eat, exercise…nothing appealed to me. Just the thought drained me of energy. All I wanted to do was find other women online who had lost babies and look at Malou’s pictures. I was lucky enough to have paid time off from work for 3.5 months, time which allowed me to grieve. I still grieved when I went back to work, of course – but looking back, I am so glad I had a concentrated amount of time to do nothing. Nothing except be sad. No faking.
